Whisper

2010-07-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

After an hour and 10 minutes in the waiting room at the Doctor’s office, I was losing all mannerisms of my Christian self. My foot started tapping uncontrollably, my arms suddenly folded themselves in front of me and I was just willing someone at the front desk to look over at my very unhappy face.

I finally stood myself up and marched myself over to the nurse’s station. Remembering to at least attempt to hide my anger, I blurted out, ‘Have I been forgotten?”

Moments later, I was ushered into another waiting room. I should have realized my wait would continue when they gave me a locker to put my belongings in, along with a key to wear around my wrist. For the test I was waiting for, I wasn’t permitted to wear deodorant. It occurred to me on my way toward my third hour of waiting that the other women in the area weren’t permitted to wear deodorant either. My purse, along with my Lady Speedstick I was beginning to obsess about, were locked away in Locker #3. Another hour passed.

My anger and frustration made me emotional and I fought not to feel panicked. I was ready to tell the tech, “I stink and YOU DESERVE IT!”

I was finally called in and just like that, it was over. I liberally applied the Secret spray I found in the changing room, and ran out of the office. I was free, energized and ready to tackle what was left of my day.

Sometimes it feels like we’ve been forgotten. We’re waiting for what feels like an eternity to get some attention. Please! Notice that I’m here! Life is packed full of waiting. We wait for test results, a job, the real estate market to turn around, a relationship to heal, our spouse to change, our child to find their way, our financial situation to fix itself, to see our loved one’s face again. Waiting stinks. But in the wait, we must remember that we will never be forgotten.

All the while, we sit with the key to open what will be our ultimate peace. We have His Word at our fingertips. We just need to apply it. Liberally.

Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Waiting with you,
Courtney

2010-07-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

I’d always been so afraid to listen for God’s voice. I was terrified He would tell me that my daughter would get sick, or we’d have to give up all our money and live like paupers. It wasn’t until Rhyan was diagnosed that I found myself crying out to Him, with nothing to lose, desperate for a word. Not long after we were told Rhyan was deaf, I was sobbing to Him – take my ears, take my sight. Anything, Lord. Just not my baby. I felt it in my soul, it was time to Be Still. For the first time, I recognized His voice whisper over my heart …

It’s going to be OK.

Just that simple. And I believed.

A few weeks ago, sitting in the doctor’s office with Evynn, I watched her Doctor look over her chart. The look on his face was familiar and panic seized my heart. ‘She fell off the chart in her height. I’m going to order some tests.’ Immediately, I was transported back to all we endured with Rhyan. Hospital visits, tests, diagnoses, insurance. Waiting. I cried out to God, again. ‘No more, Lord, please. No more. Not my baby.’ And, again, I heard His whisper…

It’s going to be OK.

The thing about trials and pain is that they are stepping stones toward God. Rhyan’s deafness, and our decision for her to have a cochlear implant, made us stronger. We grew closer to each other, closer in our faith. Closer in our relationship with our Father. Our past tribulations are like a mirror for us to reflect on and see where God’s hand was in our past. He was faithful and true when He told me that night that everything would be Ok. I believed then, I’ll believe now.

One child is deaf, one child is small. One child I have to draw close to me for her to hear my voice. One child I will be able to hold just a little bit longer. When we’re hurting, when nothing feels right and we don’t feel like we can go on, we can let our Father draw us close to His side so we can hear His voice. And we can let Him hold us just a little bit longer.

2010-06-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

My child is not-so-subtly slipping into her rebellious years. More often than not, her response to me is, “Why!?” After a particularly combative day, I looked her in the eye and said,

“Because I said so!”

She looked at me for a moment and then turned around and did what I asked. The four words I vowed to never speak as a parent turned into a freedom I could never have imagined. I couldn’t stop from smiling.

A few days later, I heard my Father whisper a command over my heart. I was feeling quite combative and said, “Please, no, Lord. Why today?”

Because I said so.

Ouch. As I turned from my disobedience, I was quite positive He was smiling. I’m very good at rationalizing and procrastinating. I can be very rebellious and question Him with my desire for solid answers. But sometimes we aren’t supposed to know the answers. And sometimes the answers only come when we obey. Either way, those words spoken by God are a promise that He knows the answers, and that’s all that matters.

Because I said so. When we allow them, they are words that bring a freedom we could never have imagined.

2010-06-03T16:30:00.001-07:00

I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of those days where ‘quiet’ kept running from you. I found myself chasing ‘quiet’ the other day while Evynn was chasing me. It was a game of tag and no one was winning.

I finally turned to Evynn and said, “I NEED TIME TO MYSELF!”. Just a couple minutes away from the ‘I wants’ and the ‘I needs’. PLEASE!!

When I knelt down to look Evynn in the eye, she stared back into mine and said, “Mommy, I see me in your eyes”. She was looking at her face reflecting in my eyes and I saw my reflection in hers. It immediately went straight to my heart. When she looks at me she will always see herself. I mold her. I shape her attitudes, her temper tantrums, her sense of humor, her anger, her patience, her laughter. And I will ultimate shape who she will be in this world.

I will have plenty of time to catch quiet. And then it will break my heart. So, when my daughter chases me, I will let myself get caught. When she wants to give me a hug, I’ll never say no. And when she wants me to hold her, even if I’m tired and needing some time to myself, I will try my best to remember that my time to hold her will end way before my arms are ready.

As the Perfect Parent, our Father will never run from His children, He’s the One chasing. He doesn’t seek alone time or quiet, He desires conversation. When we need to be held, He is there with His arms outstretched. And when we take the time and allow ourselves to be ‘caught’, my prayer is that others will forever see His reflection in our eyes

2010-04-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

As the year progresses, changes continue to take place rapidly. Jillian H., or Jillian number 2, is scheduled for surgery on June 11. She will have her second implant and all her parents love and hard work will have paid off. Rhyan’s Hope has been privileged to take part in what will always be exciting and miraculous. We’ll keep you informed on her surgery and recovery.

Paige received her Freedom processor on Thursday and she is scheduled for a mapping on Wednesday to ‘turn it on’. Paige is the little girl that was wearing the large body worn processor for most of her 8 years of life, and will now enjoy the life change of wearing a small, sleek behind-the-ear processor that will barely be noticeable – to others or to her.

We have been in contact with Nemours hospital in Jacksonville regarding surgery for our next candidate, Azaryah. A few weeks ago, Rhyan’s Hope received a $10,000 donation toward Azaryah’s second cochlear implant, and we’re so excited to see how God will use this little girl through the generosity of others.

The update is that God is still working in His amazing ways. Children are hearing and beating the odds. And we remain in awe.

With much love and gratitude,

Courtney
Rhyan’s Hope, President

2010-03-06T14:26:00.001-08:00

Quite often I think of how much I would love to follow Rhyan throughout her day. I would take her backpack from her and carry it on my shoulders. I would open doors for her, as most seem so heavy. I would make sure she had her glasses so she could see clearly. I would encourage her when her work was hard and hug her when she did well. I would kiss her face for no reason at all. I would direct her to sit on the opposite side from the girl that picks her nose and calls her names. I would guide her to play with the boy that makes her laugh and isn’t afraid to be her friend. I would comment on her art and marvel at her creativity. I would run along side her in the mile run, cheering her on. And at the finish, I would pick her up and swing her around in my arms. I would point out others that were in desperate need of a smile or kind word. I would hold her hand every chance I was given. At the end of the day, I would again carry her burden. And, finally, I would take her home.

When I signed up for the Marathon, I was conflicted and troubled. Was it really worth it? Did running a race really matter to Him? What does God care about these details of my life? When my knee started hurting and I was faced with the realization that I might not be able to run after all, I assumed that it really was pointless to Him and I was getting what I deserved. The Wednesday before the race, my knee wasn’t better. Doctor visits were proving worthless and medicine wasn’t working. I had quite a loud temper tantrum. My injury, my hopes, my desires – all of them were out of my control. It wasn’t until my meltdown that God lovingly convicted me of the sin that had been in front of my face all my life. Sin that I had never really noticed, but had wrapped it’s tentacles around my entire world, reaching out and touching every person around me. Tentacles that would one day wrap themselves around my children and reach out to those that they will come to love. Control. I had to be in control of every aspect of my world. If it wasn’t my idea, it wasn’t a good idea; when I was ready to go, everyone else should be, too; the girls couldn’t leave the house unless they were in coordinating outfits; if something interrupted my plans, it was going to ruin my day. As of last Wednesday, I am officially a recovering control-freak.

The Friday night before the race, I lay in bed praying about all I had learned about myself and my human frailties and how the race unveiled it all. I heard God speak to my soul, /Was it worth it? Do you think it matters? /The peace that descended on my heart was my answer.

I can’t follow Rhyan every second of every day. But, God can, and He does. And He follows each and every one of us. When we allow Him, He takes the burdens from our shoulders and carries them on His back, He opens the heaviest of doors that we would never manage on our own, He adjusts our eyes that they might rest on Him, He encourages us when we work hard and holds us close to tell us so, He reigns His blessings down on us like kisses to our face, He directs us away from boogers that are disruptive in our lives and guides us to be with friends that aren’t afraid to love us, He marvels at our creativity and the artwork of our personalities, He runs alongside us in our every day races and cheers us on, swinging us in His arms at the finish line, He points out those that need our help and He holds our hand all through our days. He carries our burdens until the very end. And then, at last, He takes us home.

In the end, the Lord carried me through 26.2 miles, injured knee and all. I know it was a miracle. I felt the prayers. He cares about the details of our lives, I know that with all that’s in me. He cares because the details are the palettes filled with the vibrant colors that He uses to paint our big pictures.

Was it worth it? Did it matter? Yes, Lord. Always.

2010-02-16T05:04:00.000-08:00

“There is a God-ordained passion that makes you glad, sad, or mad. There is something that breaks your heart because it breaks the heart of God. The only question that remains is this: what are you going to do about it?” Mark Batterson, Primal

So, what breaks my heart...

The first-time mommy holding her day old daughter - in awe of her perfection, memorizing her features - only to be told moments later that her child failed her hearing screen.

The daddy that realizes all the songs he sung to his child in the womb were in vain.

The mommy that spends countless hours in waiting rooms, sobbing from the ache and exhaustion, when all she wants is to be home bonding with her newborn.

The books that were purchased but never read.

The play dates the mommy avoids because all the other baby are hitting milestones her
child isn’t.

The tear-soaked pillow in the middle of the night.

The silence, because sound is only a reminder.

The countless times the daddy has clapped his hands behind his little girl’s head, just in case the Doctors were wrong.

The hours on the phone with the insurance company, only to have the phone battery die.

The knowledge that their baby could hear if the insurance company felt hearing was medically necessary.

The parents that watch the clock tick as the window closes on their daughter’s speech and verbal development.

This is my God-ordained passion. This is what breaks my heart.

And this is what I’m doing about it. We’re running a race where 100% of your sponsorship will go to Rhyan’s Hope. Click, sponsor your runner and donate. www.rhyanshope.org/gasparilla.asp . And, as always, know that your prayers are priceless if you’re unable to donate monetarily.

I was that mommy, Matt was that daddy. But, we aren’t the only ones. There’s a little girl who’s parents are just like we were, and they need us now.

If we keep our eyes focused on God, our greatest heartbreaks will be the foundation for putting it back together again.

2009-12-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

I could see she was afraid. She walked the staircase and faltered as she searched for her place on stage. She was discouraged, anxious and overwhelmed as she opened her manuscript and filed through to her locate her lines. My heart was breaking for her and I wanted so much to climb onto the stage and take away her fear. Her friend next to her helped her open to the correct page and she looked up to find us in the audience. Before we left for the play that night, she told me again and again that she didn’t want to do it. She didn’t know her lines and she thought she was going to embarrass herself. I told her that she had a responsibility to keep her word to the director, and that it would take courage I knew she possessed. I was watching courage unfold.

As the play began, I leaned forward in my seat and stared at her, refusing to move my eyes from her face. Whenever she looked at me, I wanted her to see me looking back at her with a smile and a sign of encouragement. They sang their first song and my Mommy ears distinguished her voice from the others. I wanted to yell to every person there “You’re witnessing a miracle. She shouldn’t be able to do this. She’s not supposed to be able to sing.” When she walked up to the microphone to deliver her lines, I was consumed with emotion and the tears filled my eyes and overflowed. When the show ended, Rhyan ran down the steps into my open arms, I held her as I tight as I could and said, “Oh, my Love, I’m so proud of you. So, so proud.”

After Rhyan’s Race in September, I searched for my place on the stage of my life. I told God again and again, that I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was discouraged, anxious and overwhelmed. I felt like I was under the spotlight and I couldn’t find my lines. Thankfully, I had a friend that stood next to me and helped me open to the right page. God helped me find my words. And even as I begged Him to help me find another purpose, I knew as I did from the beginning that Rhyan’s Hope is my destiny.

As Christmas approaches we don’t just focus on the birth of Jesus Christ. We focus on His life. As He left the manger and grew into a young man, He followed in His daddy’s trade as a carpenter. I wonder what He thought when He wrapped His fingers around the handle and felt the weight of the hammer. Did He flip through the pages of His holy script to the final scenes every time that hammer would strike a nail? He too begged God to find another way to fulfill His purpose. But because He didn’t give up, He not only saved this world, but He gave us an unmatched example of how one carries on when everything in them wants to quit.

I write this knowing that each and every one of us has a divine manuscript for this life. Whether we know for sure what it is or we’re still searching, we all have a purpose. We all have to make the decision to quit or be brave and live it out. As this year closes, I want to find my place again and carry on with courage. I want to be able to fumble and lose my place, knowing that He distinguishes my voice from His other children. And He will never take His eyes off me, not for a second, always smiling and giving me signs of encouragement.

And when this life is over and my curtain closes, my greatest desire of all is to run off the stage into my Father’s embrace, feel His tears on my cheek and hear Him say, ‘My Beloved, I’m so proud of you. So, so proud.”

From all of us at Rhyan’s Hope, we wish you a beautiful Christmas and inspiration in the New Year.

Courtney
Rhyan's Hope, President

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to provide a HOPE and a future."

2009-09-09T11:23:00.001-07:00

A heart-wrenching diagnosis, a flurry of doctor appointments, visits to the Audiologist, therapy sessions, sound booths, hearing tests, surgeries and hospital stays. From the very beginning of our journey, I found myself chasing normalcy.

At 18 months, Rhyan’s first hearing device was a body worn processor. This processor was large and cumbersome, worn beneath her shirt in a harness. To change her battery or trouble shoot an issue, we had to lift her shirt and work the processor out of the small pocket in the harness. Something as simple as going to bed became an obstacle. The harness had to be removed, only to be replaced again on top of her PJ’s for Rhyan to hear bedtime prayers and ‘good-nights’. It was the constant reminder that we hadn’t yet found normalcy.

When Rhyan turned five, we traded in her body-worn processor for a BTE (behind the ear). I had been waiting her whole life for that BTE. An obstacle had been removed.

Paige is 8 years old. She has never been able to replace her body worn processor for a BTE. She still wears the harness, still has to wear that cumbersome processor, still carries her obstacle. Her life of cartwheels, handstands, hanging upside down on the monkey bars; it’s all nearly impossible with the weight and awkwardness of the body-worn. On a daily basis at school, she must change her volume, input cords for the computer and attach her FM system, all which she must lift her shirt and remove the device from her harness. For an 8 year old girl, this is an embarrassing and potentially traumatic situation. Paige has only one cochlear implant and a body worn processor with outdated technology. Because of you and others like you, we get to help change Paige’s life. Because of your support and your prayers, Paige will finally be able to get her BTE.

Paige and our candidate following her, a four year old girl waiting for her second ear, are the reason Rhyan’s Hope exists. It’s why we’re running Rhyan’s Race, why we struggle so hard with the trials and disappointments that come with any event, or any foundation. It’s all for them.

Our children will face so many obstacles in their lives. Be with us to not only help them chase normalcy. Be with us as we watch them capture it.

Go to www.rhyanshope.org to register for Rhyan’s Race. It’s worth every step.

2009-09-09T11:14:00.001-07:00

Evynn modeling Rhyan's old Body Worn Processor. Rhyan with her BTE

2009-07-23T12:18:00.001-07:00

The heat encompassed me; burning my face, stealing my breath. Where there had been solid ground moments earlier there was now only sugar sand. I slipped, then slipped again. Where there had been a hill before me, now stood a mountain. I felt like a failure when I was forced to slow my pace. I felt like a failure when I was forced to stop completely. I tried to put one foot in front of the other and felt myself falling backwards. I looked up to the sky and cried out, “Why?”…

It hasn’t taken me long to realize that planning for a race is a lot like running in a race. Only it’s more difficult, scarier, and last a whole lot longer. For me to be involved in something like this is a miracle in itself. With an ulcer at the age of 9, it was obvious that worry and anxiety had an unusually tight grip on me from very early on. When I was called to do something on the scale of this event, I knew it couldn’t have been anything other than God. This isn’t something that I ever possibly could have gone into without Him. And yet, I continue in my anxiousness. I make a mistake and I feel like I’ve failed. I miss something and I feel like I’ve failed again. I lay awake at 3:00 am and beg God to please let me finally fall asleep, to quiet the numbers and details battling it out in my mind.

And then, in a rare, precious moment of silence, I felt His words. Races aren’t supposed to be easy. And they’re not. Races are to test our endurance and our courage. They’re to be fought for, to struggle through and to challenge ourselves. They’re to stretch us and help us grow toward a goal that we once thought was unattainable. Races are to be won. Whether we cross the finish line standing tall, hands raised high, or we cross the finish line crawling with the very last of our strength.

In the next moments, I’m preparing to sign Rhyan up for the race that bears her name. The feeling is surreal and my emotions are continuing to bring tears in remembrance. Seven years ago, almost to the day, we were told of her hearing loss, making arrangements for her implant, and we embarked on another type of race. One that also took all of our strength, courage and endurance. It, too, stretched us and helped us grow toward this goal that we never would have thought we could attain. And for both races, Rhyan was born and destined to run.

The answer to my question, “Why?”. Because I’m Rhyan’s Mommy. And for both races, there’s no place I’d rather be, or could be, than right in the middle of it all. Whether I cross the finish line standing tall with my hands held high, or I cross it on my knees, I will be the perfect position to praise the One that created this course. And when I give the glory to Him alone, we will all come away with the ultimate victory.

"But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength;They shall mount up with wings like eagles,They shall run and not grow weary,They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
www.rhyanshope.org

2009-04-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

The angels danced. Her mommy cried.

2009-04-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Matt and I dated for only two weeks when we decided we’d be together forever. We chose which breed of dog we wanted, what our dream house would look like, where we’d live forever – and our first child’s name. Ryan.

Six years later, we found Ryan was going to be a girl and her name morphed into Rhyan. All the same, her precious name means, ‘a child of royalty, little princess’.

When Rhyan was five years old, we were driving home from the park in silence when she spoke up from the back seat that she just asked Jesus into her heart and told Him she was sorry for her sins. At barely five years of age, I had my reservations. But she didn’t. And she never has. She’s never wavered about her salvation and I have watched over these past two years as she has developed a relationship with her Father that I want to run to. A faith that doesn’t falter. And the desire for everyone to know Him that is always foremost on her mind.

Last week, a repairman came to fix our cable. Rhyan asked me, “Does that boy know Jesus?” When I told her that I didn’t know, she said quite simply, “Why don’t you ask him?” While my daughter, who was born deaf - who the world said would never speak - now tells everyone she knows and everyone she meets about her King, I remain silent in a world that is desperate for Him.

So, when the ‘boy’ came back in, I asked him. It was the first time in my life I asked a total stranger if he had a relationship with Christ. He hesitated for a moment, and then said that he did. I was able to share about Rhyan and how God has impacted our lives through her. He seemed to take something from it that he needed, and I was grateful for the exchange - changed by the experience.

Tomorrow, Easter Sunday, Rhyan will be baptized. As she has said to me, “I want the whole world to know that I love Jesus. I love Him with all my heart.” And I say to her, He loves you with all His heart, too, Dear One. You are a true child of Royalty…

You are God’s little princess.

2009-04-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

We just spent the last 4 days in paradise. Days filled with gorgeous mountain sunsets, horse back riding and watching my children fill their minds with forever memories. Now we are memory building at Grammy and Papa's in the mountains of Clarkesville, Georgia. Family and God's majesty are always the makings of good things. Today we hiked a few thousand miles and found a birds nest, a few slimey crawley things, bear and deer footprints and a whole deer antler.

The only thing we don't have is phone coverage. And a huge prayer request to get out!! Little Seth is set for surgery tomorrow morning at 7:30, and as much as I want to tell the world, this is all I can do. :)

2009-04-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Evynn’s hair has always had a life of its own. From the moment she was born, it’s been a part of her personality. At four years old, it almost touches her waist, and I know one day if I don’t cut it, she will. I have found leaves, food and even a toy mixed into her trusses. But, yet every morning, we sit on the couch as I brush through the tangles. We have gotten to be a pretty good team. As long as she sits still, looks straight ahead and endures the wait, I make it through the seemingly impossible knots one brush stroke at a time.

When speaker, Beth Moore, talked about how God is the only one that can undo the knots in our lives, I could relate immediately. Not only because of my vast knowledge of Evynn knots, but because our lives in this moment are pretty knotty.

It’s easy to talk about the good God brings from difficult situations, because that means that we’ve gotten through the tough times. What isn’t easy is discussing difficult situations while we’re in the middle of them, waiting to be rescued. On Saturday, Matt and I went to the bank to discuss stopping the payments on one of our loans. Month after month we’ve watched our savings being depleted, and felt that it was the best thing to do, even though just the idea of it was physically and emotionally devastating. Then on Sunday morning I woke up to find that someone had stolen my camera out of our car. For those of you that know me, my camera is an extension of who I am. It was a source of income and it was my passion. When we arrived at church that morning, the last thing I felt like doing was worshipping. I wasn’t angry. I understand that I don’t always understand why things happen. But, I was sad.

Our sermon started,

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

Further into the message in learning to trust God was, The Persistence Test. Will I keep my commitments? If we were to stop paying our bill, we wouldn't be keeping our commitment. We got into the car and Matt immediately asked me what I got from the sermon. I said, 'We need to keep paying that bill.' Even if it's until we have nothing left.

Monday morning, we were off to start a new day. The sting of losing the camera and a big chunk of our savings was still fresh. And then --- the car refused to start. “So be truly glad.” I tried, but I ended up crying instead.

But, in the quietness of last night, I kept hearing His word repeated. His words that keep me going in the knottiest of times. “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to provide a hope and a future.” (Jer 29:11) And I know He will never leave me nor forsake me because He’s promised me. (Jos 1:5)

Today, I’m living in the hope that I will be able to write and give God the glory for rescuing us in our distress. If I sit at His feet, focus on the path ahead and endure the wait, I have to know that He’s going to undo this seemingly impossible knot, one brush stroke of faith at a time.

For everyone else with knotty lives, may this hope extend to you.

Courtney

2009-03-18T14:30:00.001-07:00

I spoke before of how I continually put God into a box. After Jillian walked for the first time the day after surgery due to the removal of the bones and scar tissue affecting her balance, God busted out of that box and looked me full in the face. That’s the problem with these boxes I build. Not only does it limit what I think He can do, but sometimes it makes Him nearly impossible to see. But even after I saw Him in His majesty that day, I picked up the hammer and nails of fear and doubt and started constructing a new box. Bigger, but confining all the same.

You met Seth not long ago. The story of his little life and the tragedy and triumph of his family have changed every single life it touches. It was because of their heartache and the testimony through their trials that I felt such an urgency to ensure Seth would one day hear.

I didn’t even hear the creaking of the nails as they began to loosen...

Then, I received an email that a check for $20,000 was in the mail to Rhyan’s Hope to cover Seth’s insurance expenses from the same family that donated for Jillian. In just a few short months, Seth will not only have one cochlear implant, he’ll have two. He won’t just be able to see the love in his Mommy’s eyes. He’ll hear it in her voice.

And that box is sawdust at my feet...

2009-03-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

The conversation was effortless. I stepped away for a moment and when I turned around, I found myself a spectator to the most beautiful scene playing out before me. I could hear bits and pieces of the separate discussions. The men were talking of serving their country and the age old man-glue of football. The women, whose hearts were knit with divine thread before they ever met, were talking about the purpose of our gathering.

I listened as Andrea told of all the changes Jillian made since her second implant. She was telling Christen of how Jillian was responding when her name was called, the new words she’s now saying and obvious miracle that she is walking.

But, as I watched one of the single most momentous events of my life, I saw that Jillian isn’t just talking and she isn’t just walking. As the adults were engrossed in their conversations, I observed as Jillian weaved in and out from amongst them. I heard her laughter as she responded to her Mommy’s voice. I heard her say ‘mama’ and ‘bye bye’. I saw her circle them as if binding them together with an invisible cord. Then realizing that she was. But, what was imprinted on my heart that night was that she wasn’t only talking, she was singing. And she wasn’t only walking. She was dancing.

Life is so complicated. In our hurts and fears we become deaf to what God is whispering to our hearts. We can’t hear that He loves us always and He will never, ever leave us. That on the other side of our pain, He holds our song. We aren’t alone in our sorrow. And when we’re able to grasp that and listen for His voice, not only will we learn to sing His song, but we’ll find the joy to dance.

The photo above is of Jillian giving her Mommy’s gift to Christen. A frame that holds her picture and a recording of her sweet little voice. It is a constant reminder that miracles still happen, if we’re willing to listen when He speaks and walk where He leads. Thank you, again, Chris, Christen and every precious one of you that donated for Jillian's implant. Because of you, she has her song. And a lifetime of dancing.

With love, Courtney

2009-01-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

This is a bit complicated, but that’s what makes it so neat :)

I never much enjoyed running. And I’ve always found it uncomfortable meeting new people. I was completely content to take a class at the Y and then drink my coffee until my Child Development time was done. So, the fact that I ever joined the run club is, in itself, a glimpse of God at work.

I have no idea what made me decide to take such a risk and run that first day. But, I really hit it off with the girls and to this day, every single one of them has enriched my life and has inspired me over and over. I quickly became known as the ‘talker’ of the group and was the one that people ran with if they forgot their music. It wasn’t long before they all knew Rhyan’s story. Within a month or so, we were all out on a beautiful spring day when one of our “Fierce Friends”, Stephanie, mentioned that she had a friend, Chris, who had a friend, Debbie, with a hearing impaired daughter.

After Rhyan’s diagnosis 6 years ago, I became a recluse. Whether it was denial or self-pity, I didn’t want to hear other children talking and meeting milestones that we didn’t think Rhyan would ever meet. It took a long time before I put myself out there to develop friendships. It’s my desire that no other Mommy out there ever feels that way. So, when Stephanie told me about Debbie, I said immediately that I wanted to meet her. Debbie and I met the following Monday with our girls, and Debbie told me that she wanted to help in our mission with Rhyan’s Hope. Like every other Mommy of a HI child, our bond of friendship was instantaneous and I was thrilled to have her support. The support, however, was beyond anything I could have imagined.

It didn’t take long before I realized that I wanted Debbie to be on Rhyan’s Hope Board of Directors. Her energy and motivation was exactly what I needed to keep moving forward. One afternoon this past fall, Debbie called me and said, “Are you sitting down?” A dear friend and client of hers wanted to donate the remaining funds for Jillian’s implant. And you know the rest of the story. :)

There are no coincidences and fate is a farce. God directs our paths and places people in our lives to bring us to the place He wills. This life we live is about relationship. First will always be our relationship with our Father, but second is our relationship with each other. We’re here to love, to lean on each other, to lift each other up. We’re here to inspire and to be inspired. Relationships, whatever they may be, are a risk. But, they are a risk that will always be worth it. No matter what, we can gain wisdom and knowledge from every person that leaves an imprint on our hearts.

Tonight, I’m meeting with Stephanie’s friend, Chris for the first time. What I didn’t know last year when I first heard her name is that Chris is an event planner. And after nearly a year, even though we’ve never met, she has a desire to help us plan our first annual Rhyan’s Hope 5k. How grateful I am that I believe in something bigger than Coincidence.

2009-01-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

Purpose. With the brokenness and sin in my past, I searched for my purpose for so long, never believing I would find it. Never thinking I deserved it.

It’s taken a long time to see that God didn’t show me the way in spite of the pain and heartache of past circumstances. He used the pain and the heartache of past circumstances to show me the way. Whether the pain was caused by others, by my own foolishness - or by a diagnosis of which we had no control - they were the same tears that paved the way to the beginning of my greatest passion. They were the tears that made me strong enough to be grateful for the doors my Protector closed and brave enough to walk through the ones He opened.

And here we are. Yesterday I watched the miracle of God's purpose for my life unfold. Jillian emerged triumphant, wearing her new ear, a walking example of God’s grace. She cried when the auditory nerve was stimulated for the first time, but within minutes she was responding to her name, listening for her mommy’s voice. She showed off her new walking skills and possessed the same uncanny ability as Rhy to make everyone around her smile. And so her story carries on.

We all have an amazing story penned by the Greatest Story Teller of all times. And written within those pages is the purpose He created us for. Sometimes we skim past His words in the hurriedness of life. Other times they’re written in bold, but we’re too afraid to see them. But for all of us, God loves us so much that He didn’t just put us on this Earth to exist and trudge through life only to die. He made us to have a passion and live it out to help others find theirs.

If you’ve questioned your purpose in life, if you’ve decided you don’t deserve to have a passion to help others, look at the chapters of your past through the eyes of your Father. All of our stories are intertwined with the stories of the lives that brush against ours. Those tear-stained pages might just be the ones that change the ending of someone else's script for an eternity.

Happy writing, Loved Ones,

Court

2009-01-15T16:20:00.000-08:00

There simply too much to say, and being sleep-deprived and sick, I just can't get my brain to work.

In a nutshell, today was perfect. Jillian is a walking, hearing, precious little miracle and I promise to give details tomorrow.

Lots of love,
Court

2009-01-14T16:42:00.000-08:00

We leave tomorrow morning for St. Pete to witness Jillian hearing for the first time with her left ear.

This is it. This is what we've all prayed for all these months. This is the completion of the miracle God always knew would be. I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow, knowing the part you played in His plan.

I'll give an update as soon as I can.
Lots of love,
Court

This is a link to a site that explains the surgery and activation http://www.mayoclinic.org/cochlear-implants/procedure.html

2009-01-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

Why do I wait so long to write??? Well, much has happened! Aside from Thanksgiving, Christmas, Evynn's birthday, New Years, and Evynn's birthday party -- little Jillian received her cochlear implant.

I spoke to Andrea yesterday and Jillian’s recovery has been more than wonderful. It has been miraculous…

At 27 months, Jillian was still not walking. After countless tests, the therapists and specialists had no answers. During the surgery, Dr. Orobello wasn’t able to perform the surgery as he normally would due to scar tissue and bones. It was the most frightening part of the surgery and the time when we were praying the hardest. The bones and the scar tissue were removed during the surgery in order to thread the electrodes through the cochlea. The day after the surgery, Jillian walked for the first time and Andrea said, ‘She hasn’t stopped yet.’ Jillian’s therapist believes that the scar tissue and/or bones were causing balance issues that were resolved during the surgery.

Over and over again, I put God into this box. I think, ‘He can do this’ or ‘He can do that’, but my imagination stops there. I’m filled with gratitude that He loves me enough to humble me by showing me His greatness.

Next Thursday, Jillian will hear for the first time in her left ear. And we’ll be privileged to witness her walk. How grateful I am to have a God that continues to bust out of the ridiculously small box I continue to create. I'm so excited to detail the events of Jillian's activation for you. Even if it's difficult, it will be worth it - for so many reasons.

In the dark hours of this morning, I suddenly realized that we don’t have our ‘first candidate’ anymore. We have our ‘first recipient’. Recipient. What a beautiful word.

With so much love!!!
Courtney

(Attached is the link to the ABC broadcast regarding Jillian and her secret Santa. While we will be forever grateful to the family that provided the overwhelming amount of funds needed to make Jillian's surgery possible, your prayers and donations were what got us started and gave us the courage and confidence to continue. You are all such a beautiful part of this.) http://www.abcactionnews.com/content/taking_action_for_you/story/Secret-Santa-brings-gift-of-hearing/-F9V3lp950isAUdZtwuK0g.cspx

2008-12-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

So many things stand out in my memory from that day. Despair, pain, grief, ‘deaf’. And an intense light. The light seemed blinding in the waiting area, the hospital room, the cloudless sky. I remember my irritation at its intensity. Why, on my darkest day, would it be so bright. Why isn’t the rain pouring down. Why, Lord, aren’t you crying, too?

I realize now that I had written the novel of Rhyan’s life long before she was born. My hopes, dreams and expectations of who she would become, not realizing that futures are so fragile. That brittle book fell to the ground that day and shattered next to my heart. The doctor wrote a novel for her, too. His read that Rhyan would never hear, never speak, never sing, never be comforted by my lullaby whispered in her ear. And the pages of that book were torn and set on fire the moment she first heard my voice.

God and God alone is the author of Rhyan’s story. He seared the words onto the pages of her life before He created time. And the ink from Rhyan’s script spilled onto mine and penned my purpose as Rhyan’s Hope was spoken over my heart. It was also used to write a most beautiful chapter for Jillian. Because of you and an extremely generous donation from The Halliday Foundation, the necessary funds have been raised in Rhyan’s Hope for Jillian to receive her implant. On December 16th , Jillian’s story will include another miracle.

Life can be so difficult. Over the past year, I’ve seen so much pain in the lives of those I love. There are those that have been forced to say good-bye in this life to their loved ones, others have seen financial devastation, marriages have been tested and some have failed, and it feels like our world will soon implode. Not long ago, I had a firm grasp on the robe of the Healer, ready to follow where He led. But somewhere over the last months, I’ve let go of His robe and held fast to His hand. It’s only when we focus on the light of His face that the darkness disappears. When we stare into His light, our feet will never shuffle from exhaustion, we will not stumble, we can never fail. And if, for a moment, we glance around us instead of up, and we start to fall, we might loosen our grasp, but His hold will tighten and He will raise us.

The brilliant light from that day of Rhyan’s diagnosis was there specifically for this moment in time. So that I can look back and see that it wasn’t my darkest day at all. It was the Lord telling me that He was holding me up in my pain, and we can use our pain to light the way to His will. We all have a novel. Each of our stories are page turners, and they are all so very different. But if Jesus holds are hearts, we are certain to all have written in the books of our lives, the very same ending. The very same happily ever after.

This couldn’t have been done without you. You have been there in support, encouragement and prayers, and I love you all so much. Thank you, as always, for allowing yourselves to be written into the story of Rhyan’s life.

In His love, Courtney

2008-10-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

At approximately 11:39 am yesterday morning, Doc was diagnosed as profoundly hearing impaired. He was rushed to the hospital but somehow couldn't wait until he arrived. Dr. Rhyan and Dr. Evynn performed emergency Cochlear Implant surgery on Doc in the ambulance. While I'm not a licensed medical professional, I was able to assist with Band-Aids and tape.

Doc can now hear. Dr. Rhyan was extremely upset that they were only able to provide one implant, however she seems to feel somewhat better about it this morning. Doc has been sleeping very well, and recovering from what Dr. Evynn called, 'a bleeding boo boo'.

And another life (albeit a fake one) is changed forever by the Cochlear Implant.

(We didn't have a spare processor, so the Doctors have been using their imagination with an old hearing aid.)

2008-10-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. In the last month and ½, I didn’t get a job I was promised that we thought would be our financial rescue, a little friend of Rhyan’s passed away, my Grandma died last week followed yesterday by my Grandpa.

In the midst of it all, at the height of the pain, I failed. I was angry and bitter and I told God all about it. After crying out that I just plain didn’t understand His purpose, I started to praise Him for what He has done. And in one instant, I found hope. Maybe a small glimmer, but it’s led me one day at a time into the unknown, a little more surefooted each day. We still don’t have answers. We still don’t know how we will make it. We just know that we will.

2008-07-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

I smile and laugh, “Why me?”
I cry, “Lord, look at her!”
I whisper in her tiny ear
“You’re going to change this world.”

One moment with a doctor
Our lives forever changed
I fell to the ground and hit my knees
Lord, take away this pain.

I cry out, “God, why me?”
I weep, “Lord, look at her.”
I want her to hear my voice.
I want her to change the world.

I heard Him say, “Child, stop.
I need you to be still
I need for you to trust Me now.
To know that it’s My will.

He cried, “Because I love you.”
He whispered, “I love her.
I want her to hear My voice
I want her to change My world.

I don’t want your ears
I don’t want your sight
I don’t want your limbs
I won’t take your life.

He cried, “Because I love you.”
He whispered, “I love her.
She listens for My voice now.
She’s going to change My world.

Child, watch her change My world.

2008-07-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of those days where ‘quiet’ kept running from you. I found myself chasing ‘quiet’ the other day while Evynn was chasing me. It was a little game of tag and no one was winning.

I finally turned to Evynn and said, “I NEED TIME TO MYSELF!”. Just a couple minutes away from the ‘I wants’ and the ‘I needs’. PLEASE!!

However, when I knelt down to look Evynn in the eye, she stared back into mine and said, “Mommy, I see me in your eyes”. She was looking at her face reflecting in my eyes and it immediately went straight to my heart. When she looks at me she will always see herself. I mold her. I shape her attitudes, her temper tantrums, her sense of humor, her anger, her patience, her laughter. And I will ultimate shape who she will be as a mommy. I need to be the mommy I want her to be.

I will have plenty of time to catch quiet. And then it will break my heart. So, when my daughter chases me, I will let myself get caught. When she wants to give me a hug, I’ll never say no. And when she wants me to hold her, even if I’m tired and needing some time to myself, I will try my best to remember that my time to hold her will end way before my arms are ready.

2008-07-13T06:01:00.000-07:00

God is good all the time. All the time, God is good!!

Remington is laying by my feet as I type this. No small miracle since, at the very least, he was supposed to be in the vet hospital for another 8 days. Our vet said that he had a very small chance of pushing the stone in Remi’s private puppy place back into his bladder. However, if he was able to do this, Rem would have to undergo only one surgery and the recovery time would be a day as opposed to 8 to 10 days. So we prayed.

We spent Thursday and Friday waiting for the call that would tell us for sure if the all the stones were gone. We received the call Friday afternoon to come pick him up! All I could do was praise God for answering my prayer. Our $2000 bill was just cut down to $1100. We’ll take it.

I whole-heartedly believe that without prayer, our situation would have turned out very differently. And without faith, we would have probably put him down. $1100 is still a lot to think about, but what this has done is teach us to be better stewards of His money. And that’s something that we should have been doing all along.

I’ll take every lesson He has to teach me, and I will pray that I learn the lessons well. And I’ll know that whatever we have to go through to learn from the Master, will always be worth it.

2008-07-09T17:03:00.001-07:00

I sit here tonight and ponder what I could do with $2000. I could go to TJ Maxx and have a blast. I could have Lasik surgery. I could have a couple cups of my very favorite Starbucks lattes. I could get two of those amazing gemstone rings I’ve been eyeing at Sam’s Club for the past 7 years.

Or I could buy my dog’s life.

Remington Prescott started messing the floor early yesterday morning, and we soon discovered blood in his urine. In one extremely short afternoon, our first ‘baby’ was diagnosed with bladder stones (one of which was lodged in a very personal puppy place) and we had a decision to make. We could go through with the surgery, or we could have him put down. Matt was on one side of the fence, I was on the other. My constant flow of tears and a quick visit with Remi in his kennel brought Matt through the gate to my side. We are going to gain a healthy dog and lose a chunk of our savings.

Realizing that our lives will suffer financially has strangely brought me peace. While I’ve never paid for a manicure, never had a Pedi, color my own hair, gain my hair styles from the closest Super Cuts, and grocery shop at Walmart, this still hits hard. But, another financial blow means that one more finger is being loosened in my clutch of the things of this world.

So, I will praise God in His infinite wisdom and I will be grateful for the gifts He’s given me. Including the one with a tail and floppy ears

2008-06-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

While teaching Evynn to swim, I’ve learned priceless truths about the condition of my soul. Each time Evynn gets into the pool, she takes one timid step at a time until she is submerged up to her waist. She remains on that step, refusing rather loudly to move from her spot and swim toward her daddy. She desperately wants the freedom to swim, but she is a prisoner on that step because of her blatant stubbornness. As Matt moves closer, Evynn soon decides to take that leap, trusting that her daddy will find her and pull her to safety.

She takes a deep breath, jumps from her place and begins to move with her head under the water. The feeling of not being able to breathe temporarily makes her flail. And then she sees Matt’s hands under the water. She reaches out and grabs him, and he lifts her close to him. She catches her breath and with the biggest smile says, “I did it Daddy!”

I’ve been battling my rebellious heart for nearly six months. In my rebellion, I’ve been a self-imposed prisoner on that bottom step. I’ve desperately wanted to swim to freedom. I’ve wanted to move to the place where God desires for me to be, but yet I’ve refused to move. Over the last few weeks, I’ve prayed God closer. And He moved toward me. But then He wanted me to go toward Him. Last week, I took that leap back to my Father. I flailed in my fear. And then I saw His hands under the water. I took them and He lifted me close to Him so I could catch my breath. And when I did, I gratefully, ecstatically, and tearfully said, “I did it Daddy!”

2008-06-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

The girls have been arguing pretty much non-stop for a couple days now. I’m used to the occasional scream, followed by the yell of retaliation, but two days of constant bickering had me near my breaking point.

They had started in on each other pretty early this morning. While I’ve been trying to keep my distance to see if they would eventually figure things out on their own, I’ve been noticing that I’m slipping back into my interfering ways. After several refereeing sessions, I sat down with my cup of coffee. Things grew suspiciously quiet and I saw that the bathroom door was closed. I got up and walked over to the bathroom. I heard muffled giggles and was expecting the worst.

I opened the door and I had to laugh. One girl was pooping on the toilet, while the other was sitting on the stool telling knock-knock jokes. They might yell, they might scream, they might even occasionally throw a toy or two. But what friend could ever compare?

2008-06-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

My youngest daughter, Evynn, has freakishly keen ears. She knows when someone tiptoes past her bedroom, even though the fan is loud and a towel blocks the light of the crack at the base of her door. I can’t say anything under my breath and if the dog barks while she’s napping, well, I just start to her bedroom because I know it’s all over.

So, when I was putting Evynn’s hair up in a pony tail this morning, I was rather shocked to find that she was wearing Rhyan’s baby hearing aids. Both ears. I started laughing from the strangeness of it. But, then I was just as quickly comforted by it. I don’t know how many times I’ve worried about how others will respond to Rhyan. Will they make fun of her, will they laugh at her, will they think she’s less of a person? Today I realized that they might.

Or maybe they’ll want to be just like her.

2008-05-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Rhyan and I were spending those precious last moments together before bedtime. Rhy had just closed the book we were reading, that included a section on a seeing-eye dog, when I asked her if she knew what it meant to be blind. She immediately told me that it meant someone can’t see. Then, without hesitation, I asked her if she knew what ‘deaf’ meant. As the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to pull them back in. This was something Matt and I had discussed several times, and the fact that I mentioned it without talking to him spiked my heartbeat. We are a unified front and I felt like I just knocked him out of one of the most important conversations of a life time.

The question hung in the air and my sweet little girl was just staring at me. She didn’t have any idea what ‘deaf’ meant. I carried on, still feeling a bit like I was betraying her daddy. I said to her, ‘Deaf is when someone can’t hear. Baby, you’re deaf.’

Rhyan processed that for a second and then said, ‘Oh! I used to be deaf. Because I can hear now.’ I explained that she is still deaf and will always be deaf, but the implant helps her hear. And then I told her that being deaf is something she should be proud of, and that we are proud of her. It’s a part of who she is and it’s part of what makes her so amazing.

Later that night, I told Matt what I done. He looked like he was replaying our past conversations in his head about how we don’t want to make her feel different. If she doesn’t realize she can’t hear, then why tell her. And in one instant, it was so clear. I didn’t want her to be 10 or 12 years old and have someone else tell her that she’s deaf. Or, worse, have a mean kid say it in an ugly way.

And ‘deaf’ is a beautiful word. It’s the word that brought me closer to my family. It’s the word that brought me closer to my Jesus. It’s the word that gave me purpose in this world. It’s the word that keeps me fighting for what’s right for my children. It’s the word that will set Rhyan apart to become one of the most phenomenal adults this world has ever seen. And we want her to know it.

2008-05-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

Thank you, again, for all the positive and supportive comments. It means so much to me to know you're all out there :)

As for Rhyan's Hope, we have assembled an amazing Board of Directors. They have all agreed to be members and I'm in the process of gathering facts and pictures to post on the website. I can't wait to introduce everyone to them. What a group of phenomenal people!!

Lots of love to you all.
Court

2008-05-20T18:46:00.001-07:00

Thank you so very much for your responses. They mean so much to me :)

After I received that woman's email, I was pretty frightened. I was told to call the police, file a restraining order and inform Rhyan's school of a threat. As all these thoughts were racing through my mind, along with thoughts of security systems and booby traps throughout the house, I received the following in an email from two separate people who didn't know anything about what I was feeling:

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I love it when God uses the internet to talk directly to my heart.

Lots of love,
Court

2008-05-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in so long because I'm at a loss for words. I received an email last week from a woman saying that I was killing the deaf culture with my decision to implant Rhyan. It had a very threatening tone and, quite honestly, I've been too angry to respond in a calm manner.

The bridge will never be completed between the two sides with the hate, disrespect and lack of compassion that I was exposed to. I will do whatever is in my power to have a calm, loving and open-minded debate with anyone regarding the deaf culture. But, from this point forward, I will not subject myself to that type of filth. Rhyan is my child. That's all that needs to be said.

2008-05-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

I had just gotten off the phone with the home schooling people and dialed Matt’s number. I had it all planned out in my head. If we ordered the curriculum within the month, we’d save $50 on shipping. I was ready to pull the trigger and embark on a new life as a home schooling mama.

Every time I mentioned that I wanted to home school, others would ask me why. I know that the majority of the reason is because of my experience growing up. My life was a complete mess all throughout school. I was bullied, rejected and exposed to things I shouldn’t have been. And I refuse to have my child go through that. Bottom line. On top of that bottom line, however, is a whole other host of reasons that Rhyan is better off in my care. School shootings, crazy FCAT turmoil, mean girls, evolution, and on and on.

My credit card was out and I had Matt on the phone to get permission to use it. Just that easy. But, my ever-patient, non-spontaneous husband said ‘Let’s just wait a little while and see what happens. We have all summer to decide.’

That evening, we went to Rhyan’s first play. It was the play that tendered my heart just a little more. Three hearing impaired kids had speaking parts and it did everything to make me understand that Rhyan’s teacher this year, like her two teachers in the past, has done so much to alter her future for the better. When I got home that night, I immediately wrote Rhyan’s teacher and principal and told them exactly that. Mrs. Downs is the teacher of the year for all the right reasons. If only she would be Rhyan’s teacher forever….

So, last week we got a letter home saying that Mrs. Downs is looping up to 2nd grade. Rhyan will have the privilege of having Mrs. Downs as her teacher again next year, and our decision to home school is on hold. Thank you, Jesus, for answered prayers. Thank you, Lord, for such a clearly lit path. So many times, the answers aren’t so easy to see. It’s wonderful on those occasions when they are.

Today I talked with one of Rhyan’s hearing teachers and told her that we aren’t going to home school next year for obvious reasons. She asked me why it was so important to home school at all, and I gave her my litany of reasons stated above. She said that while I want Rhyan out of the school system so other children don’t influence her, she said she wants Rhyan in the school system to influence others. Wow. And in that one moment I was able to see the other side. I wasn’t strong in my faith as a child. I was timid and I simply flailed about searching for something to ground me. That’s not Rhyan.

Rhyan’s teacher continued to tell me of how Rhyan came to her and told her that a little boy was angry with her because she kept mentioning Jesus. And then she said, “I guess I’ll just have to wait until God talks to his heart.’

No, Rhyan is not me. And instead of taking her out of school system because of how it might change her, I need to see the limitless possibilities of how she will change it.

2008-05-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

The door creaked open today to the end of my daughter’s innocence. We do our best as parents to barricade that door, knowing that one day we simply won’t have control. But today, the subject of her protection came up. Her safety.

She was watching the movie ‘Waterhorse’, and questioned what the soldiers were doing in the town of the main character. I explained that they were there, like our soldiers are overseas, to protect. “Protect from the bad men?” “Are the bad men dying?” Even harder to answer “Are the good men dying?”

These weren’t questions I was prepared to answer on the way home from picking up my first-grader. She’s talked about the planes flying into the buildings on 9/11. She understands that our American soldiers are protecting us from harm. But, I don’t think it occurred to her until today that actual real life people were involved. And it makes it all the more apparent that today will soon be followed by conversations about the girl that used a bad word, or the boy that made an obscene gesture. And a whole host of questions that will make my heart yearn to go back to the day before.

So, I take out “Waterhorse” and I put on “Diego”. She can ask me about Baby Jaguar all day long. For now, the door is closed again. But, I’m not sure the lock will ever work again.

2008-04-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Loved Ones!

The ABC Action News segment on Jillian aired Saturday night and has just been uploaded to the ABC website. It was so fun for me to see Jillian, Andrea, John and Izzy, but I was also able to see a super-fast shot of Jillian and Rhyan's surgeon, Dr. Orobello. And there were a few glimpses of the girl's audiologists, Shelly and Sybil, who are like family to us. Pretty neat. :)

If you've never met Rhyan, you can meet her now! She's on for a few seconds from the day we met Jillian and her family at the park. I'm a little bit sad that Rhyan's Hope wasn't mentioned, because I know that Annie and John mentioned it several times. But, when things like that happen, I feel like it's God's way of saying that He doesn't need news coverage or publicity to fulfill His plan. Jillian will get her second ear because God's God, and for no other reason. And we'll continue to trust that. That said, I thought the segment was beautifully done. And it brought back so many memories!!

Just a quick Rhyan's Hope update, I received an email this morning from the Philippines. The daddy of a two year old has asked us for help. It was the first time I felt an urgency to raise money. Once Jillian receives her implant, we have a young girl from Colorado who is deaf and going blind, and now a little girl in a different country. We need your prayers more than ever.

I hope you enjoy the news segment. After you click on the link below, it will take you to the site where you'll see a short commercial and then the segment will start right up. So, just click the link below and that should do it!!

Lots of love, Courtney
http://www.abcactionnews.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoId=8234@wfts.dayport.com

2008-04-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

I desperately want to give my daughters the kind of childhood that they can look back on and just smile. I want to enjoy every moment with them, never complain, be kind and gentle and loving. I want to be everything a mommy should be so that one day they will be the best mommies they can be. I want their time in childhood to be perfect. I want to be perfect.

Unfortunately, I'm just not. I often catch myself using a tone that's too harsh, or reacting without thinking. Sometimes I yell to get my point across or I impatiently rush them along in the hustle of the day. And every time they cry because I've hurt their feelings, or I lose something precious in hurriedness of life, I fall in my failure. Or, so the devil would love for me to believe.

The truth is that most of us have our moments where we feel like we fail. Moments where we look back and we cringe in the shame of the moment or we cry in the tears that we caused. What I've learned is to keep learning. Every failure is simply a stepping stone to success. If I use a tone that is too harsh, I remember that my daughter's ears are priceless and every word that she hears is a God-given gift. And the way she hears is a blessing.

So, when my tone is rough, I'll repeat myself in a loving way. If I make my babies cry because of my actions or reactions, then I will apologize and ask for forgiveness. My failures can become life lessons that humbleness and forgiveness are things we must all learn to achieve.

And, I can pray. God made time, and He can make it into what He desires. So, I pray that He makes the time that my children spend in childhood glorious. I pray that He helps them to remember how much they were cherished and how much fun we had. And when they do, I pray that they are smiling from ear to amazing ear.

2008-04-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

On the movie, 'Sweet Nothings in My Ear', they stated that the majority of deaf people read at a 4th grade level by the time they finish high school. My thoughts immediately went back to just the night before. Matt and I were on a date to the bookstore and I was so excited to buy Rhy her first devotional.

The book is called 'God's Little Princess' devotional Bible by Sheila Walsh, and it is the most precious thing I've ever seen. I looked over the devotionals in the children's section and when I spotted this one, I actually put my coffee down so I wouldn't have to let go of the book. On the cover is a princess crown, complete with diamonds and glitter. My girl.

When we picked the girls up from Grammy and PaPa's, I gave them their books and it was like Rhyan had received the only thing she ever asked for in the whole world. I've never seen a child more taken with books. She did not let go of the book that night and slept with it under her pillow. We read from it Sunday night and I listened to that sweet voice as she said the words of praise to her Jesus. It was more than I could have hoped for 6 years ago when we were told she may never learn to read. It was yet another miracle that she can voice.

On Monday, I brought her book with me when I picked her up from school. She climbed into the car and buckled herself in. So grown up. I handed her the book and she yelled, 'Thank you, Mommy!!' with the same enthusiasm of the night she received it. Then she said, "You know I sleep with my hand on this, so that I'll dream about Jesus."

We read from the devotional together tonight, and our time together learning about our God is truly priceless. She read about Elizabeth giving birth to John in her old age and said, 'He's also called John the Baptist.'

Yes, she's reading. But even better, she's learning. Sweet dreams, Baby.

2008-04-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

First American Idol and now a CBS Hallmark Hall of Fame TV movie. Really, what is this blog becoming!!

I have so much to say that I just know already, I'm going to miss something. I actually took notes while I was watching the movie last night, so a little insight into my geekiness.

I hope you were all able to watch it, but if not, 'Sweet Nothings in My Ear' is a movie about a deaf mom and a hearing dad who are conflicted over whether or not to implant their deaf son. I think I started crying when I heard the intro music. (yes, a little over-emotional) It was a beautiful intro with the hands signing, speaking without words. I knew I was in trouble.

Almost immediately there was a birthday party for the son, and they were signing 'Happy Birthday'. My memories literally flew back to Rhyan's first birthday party. We had found out only a few weeks before that she was deaf, so we all learned 'Happy Birthday' in sign language. I watch the video now and just sob. She was mesmerized by our hands in motion and started moving her hands along with us. I guess that's why I have so much to say about this movie. The memories it envoked were painfully strong.

Of course I have my opinion on why the Cochlear Implant worked so well for our family, but I am so grateful for this movie because it gave me insight into the deaf community. When the mom said that if there was something wrong with her son, there was something wrong with her, I felt that pain and better understood why so many deaf people are opposed to the implant.

But, how I feel is simple. There isn't a single thing wrong with Rhyan. I've said it before, God made her perfectly. She is exactly how He designed her and she is perfect. And I have no doubts that without the implant she wouldn't have grown up to be extremely successful in anything she desired. But, that doesn't stop us, as her parents, from wanting to make things easier for her. And the dad said that, too. It isn't admitting she's not right, it's helping bust down obstacles.

The ending to me couldn't have been better. There were no decisions made. They agreed that the best thing for their son was to have his family together. And it ending showing them as a united front. That, to me, spoke volumes to the hearing and deaf community alike---the Cochlear Implant is an individual family decision. That's it.

So, to the cast and the producers of the film, who will never, ever read my blog and probably wouldn't give a hoot about my opinion, well done. Well done.

http://www.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=23451

2008-04-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

In writing this entry, I am forced to admit that I’m an American Idol watcher. I love nothing more than watching people succeed. And I am one that cheers on the underdog, while still wanting the best contestant to win. So, being an Idol cheerleader, I had to watch "Idol Gives Back". Maybe I felt like a good cry, because I certainly knew THAT was going to happen!

We were able to fast forward through some of the performances, but what I wanted to see were the stories. It’s the stories that change my heart and ultimately my life.

Neil Bortz made an interesting observation about last night's "Idol Gives Back". As he said, giving "back" insinuates you have been given something and are returning it, as opposed to earning what you have and then giving to those in need.

That struck a cord with me. I wanted to take this opportunity to once again thank everyone who has given to Rhyan’s Hope in the last few months and those who are considering donating in the future to know how much we appreciate each and every hard earned dollar given.

Last night while I was trying to sleep (in my comfortable bed in a house that protects me, with my children fed and sleeping peacefully in the next rooms), the faces of those hungry, poor, orphaned children kept surfacing. I talked to Jesus about it and I told Him all the things I want. And this is it.

I want to be the kind of person that any child can look at and know by my eyes that I love them dearly just because they are.

I want to have a heart that breaks when I see others hurting.

I want to hug easily.

I want to do something about the pain and injustice that I see.

I want to hold every child that I saw last night in my heart, in my mind and in my prayers.

I want to love unconditionally, with a pristine heart.

I want to make sure that I never judge others, even when others around me do.

I want to wake up every morning and choose to enjoy every second God grants me with my children.

I want to turn my back on what the world says is important and look full in the face of Jesus to discover what truly matters.

I want to be grateful for every single blessing in my life.

I want to talk to people and resist saying ‘I’, ‘me’ or ‘my’.

I want to know that pride is a sin, but so is low self-esteem.

I want to be brave when I fail and humble when I don’t.

I want to be courageous in Christ.

I want all that I do and say to glorify my Lord.

And in all of it, and above all else, I want to be His servant.

2008-04-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

Make a slideshow - it's easy!

2008-03-30T11:11:00.001-07:00

Mady and Rhyan

I can't thank Mady and her mommy, Jenn, enough for their love and generosity. Mady sacrificed her birthday gifts for donations to Rhyan's Hope. I am still in awe that such a little girl has such a big heart. We love you guys!! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

2008-03-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

2008-03-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a beautiful Easter!!

2008-03-20T15:53:00.001-07:00

Last Thursday we were so privileged to finally meet Jillian and her family, Andrea (mom), John (dad), and big sister, Isabel. It was such a surreal experience to meet people we already knew. Andrea and I both felt that we were long-time friends reconnecting after several years. And once again, I’m so grateful for how God works on relationships in a heavenly realm.

There were many touching events that day. I loved watching Andrea and Rhyan interact as Andrea gained insight into where Jillian will be in 5 years. At one point, Jillian’s outer processor had fallen off and Rhyan instinctively placed it back on for her. But, maybe the neatest thing that happened was when I handed Jillian a little chick we brought that chirped. I saw her face react to the noise and I was able to relive those priceless miracles we witnessed with Rhyan.

Isabel and Rhyan became fast friends as they participated in the sacred shoe exchange, and Evynn, true to Evy style, did a pretty good job at keeping up with the big kids. Even John and Matt are amazingly similar, from their sense of humor to the remarkable fathers they are to their little girls.

It was an occasion we'll cherish. And we’re so excited for you to take a glance into our day.

2008-03-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

My friend, Jenn, is an encourager. She encourages me personally, but she encourages me by just looking at her life and how she lives it. She is happy and positive and fun. She’s one of those people that help make others desire to be better. She is an inspiration to me and after I talked with her yesterday, I called Matt and told him how blessed I feel to have the friends God has gifted to me.

About a month ago, Jenn called about her daughter’s birthday celebration. Mady is Rhyan’s long-time friend and will be turning 7 years old. Jenn told me that while she and Mady were discussing the party, they both came up with an idea at the same time. Instead of birthday presents, Mady wants to have those coming to her party to donate to Rhyan’s Hope. I was overwhelmed emotionally, not just because of Mady’s precious heart and desire to do something so mature beyond her years, but because I was able to see Mady’s heart as a beautiful reflection of her mommy’s. It is the perfect example of how the way we live our lives greatly impacts our children and how they love.

Thank you, Jenn. And thank you, Mady. I’m so honored to have you in our lives. You are a reminder for me to constantly strive to be the kind of woman I desire my girls to become.

2008-03-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

They were giggling as Daddy was making silly noises with his hand. Over the hum of the juice machine and the noise of others gathered in the donut shop, Matt didn’t think Rhyan would be able to hear. He put his hand up to Evynn’s ear and she laughed. Then he put his hand up to Rhyan’s ear and made the noise.

She looked at him. “I heard it when you did it over there.”

Then she leaned in toward him and whispered, “You know why? ‘Cause it’s a miracle.”

Rhyan’s miracle began with her birth, continued with her diagnoses, followed us through her first surgery, and maintained it’s splendor with her second. Our path has been one that continues to bless and amaze me.

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” Psalm 119:105
I believe God gives us enough light at our feet to illuminate only a few steps in order for us to avoid stumbling. The darkness in the unknown ahead is filled with such excitement and promise that if we could glimpse it, we would be unable to resist running toward it, and we’d miss His present miracles. Because of this, these last few months we have walked with slow and steady steps, waiting for this day with all the hope and anticipation He loves to be witness to.

Even before we started Rhyan’s Hope, we knew baby Jillian and her family. Jillian was going to be our very first recipient, and before I even spoke to her mommy, Andrea, we shared an unshakable bond. Once I talked to her, I knew I had a friend for life. Shortly after we spoke, their insurance agreed to pay for Jillian’s initial implant.

While we rejoiced with them, we continued to pray for our first candidate. Door after door closed and then Matt asked what I thought of raising money for a bilateral, or second ear. I absolutely loved the idea. The reason Rhyan heard that noise in the donut shop is because she has two ears. Her second ear is as big a miracle as her first, and we are just as grateful. The following day, I received an email from our audiologist asking if we’d ever considered raising funds for a bilateral. And the door swung open with one grand and heavenly shove.

We prayed, and then I couldn’t call Andrea fast enough. We cried and laughed and that was the majority of our conversation! Then, on March 8th, Jillian’s first implant was activated. I was so privileged to be able to talk to Andrea afterwards and to relive Rhyan’s activation all over again. Miracles.

The next day, I talked with Andrea once again, and she said that while she was in another room, she said ‘good morning’ to Jillian, and Jillian looked for her voice. My heart is so full. When we started Rhyan’s Hope, I just kept moving and never looking back. A baby looking for her mommy’s voice after living in silence for 17 months has shown me why.

For those of you that donated, I pray that God blesses you as you read about Jillian and what your contribution will do for her life. Times are so tough for so many people and if you aren’t able to donate money, the greatest thing you can do for us is pray. God is listening.

I’ve said it before, but while this is about Jillian hearing with full capacity for her protection and quality of life, it’s even more about you. This is about your relationship with Jesus and how that relationship will grow through her story.

I love you!! And I can’t wait to tell you about what the lamp at our feet reveals next. I might not be able to see into tomorrow, but the light on our path right now is the brightest I’ve ever seen.

In His love,
Courtney

Meet Jillian now and see our updated ‘Rhyan’s Story’ on www.rhyanshope.org

2008-03-07T04:52:00.000-08:00

Hi Loved Ones!!

I have a novel of information coming to you in the next couple of days, so just to warn you! Some extremely exciting things going on with Rhyan's Hope :)

This entry, however, has to do with my sweet and precious husband, Matt. He has created a service so that toward little league, high school and college baseball players can track their stats just like the pros. There are also some pretty neat ways to share their stats with their family and friends. It's really awesome, and I'm not even a little bit baseball-minded!!

If you have anyone you love that plays baseball, or you have friends with kids in baseball, they might be interested to give it a try. The web addrees is:

http://www.sluggin.net/

Thank you!! I love you all!!

2008-02-26T15:37:00.000-08:00

I have so much to write about, but the kids have been sick for a couple weeks, and now I have it! (Thank you, Lord, for letting me take care of them before I got it!)

So, I will write when I have the ability to think and I'm not in pain. Please, let it be soon!

2008-02-15T12:46:00.000-08:00

The heavens are Yours, the earth

also is Yours;

The world and all its fullness, You
have founded them.

Psalm 89:11

2008-02-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

Evynn is not my little shopper. While in our local Superstore the other day, we made it to the bread aisle when she exclaimed, ‘This is NOT so wonderful!’ Today, once again in a supermarket, she begged me as we neared the frozen chicken, ‘Get me out of here!’.

I relate so much with that child! There have been so many times lately when I’ve thought those very same words. There have been occasions where things have not been so wonderful, and situations where I prayed for God to get me out of there! Sigh.

Unlike poor Evynn in the supermarket, my circumstances have thankfully been out of obedience to what God has called me to do. He’s called me to places where I’m uncomfortable and uneasy. He’s called me to places where my pride is assaulted, and my ego is battered. It’s when I can look back where I’ve been that I can be grateful that He didn’t allow me to back out, or run to what appears effortless. It’s only through stretching that we can reach beyond our expectations of ourselves.

If you’re finding God calling you to do something that you think you can’t do, rest assured that you can. As I’ve heard once or twice, if God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. And that includes the unfamiliar.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Yes, God said ‘all’.

2008-02-12T12:18:00.000-08:00

You rule the raging of the sea;

When its waves rise, You still them.

Psalm 89:9

2008-02-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

May He grant you according to

your heart's desire,

And fulfill all your purpose

Psalm 20:4

2008-02-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

In all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:6

2008-02-07T04:35:00.000-08:00

I just heard from Jillian's mom. Her surgery was a success at just under 3 hours and she is home and recovering.

Children are so resilient. With Rhyan's first implant, she was up every 2-3 hours requiring pain meds the night following the procedure, and by the next evening no one would have guessed she had just had major surgery (major to me anyway!!).

I'll keep you posted on Jillian's progress as I'm updated by her mommy. As it stands, in four weeks baby Jillian will hear her mommy's voice for the first time ever. And their world will be forever changed.

2008-02-05T10:04:00.000-08:00

Our original candidate for the Cochlear Implant was a little girl named Jillian. Gratefully, she was approved by her insurance and never needed outside assistance. Today she is going in for surgery, and it brings back such a flood of emotions. The fear and uncertainty of the surgery was with us during both of Rhyan's surgeries. However, as He always does, God gave us strength and peace beyond understanding. It was on the way home, both times, that it really began to sink in. My baby was going to hear. The hard part was over, now we wait for her to hear our voices. I don't think there's anything that I can compare that to.

I pray for a successful surgery for Jillian and peace for her mommy and daddy. Tonight might prove to be difficult in dealing with the after effects from surgery, but with the dawn comes a whole new look on life.

I believe it's like that in life. God performs surgery on us every day. With our thoughts and our beliefs. He takes things away and calls us to be obedient by giving up things that we don't want to give up. But, as painful as it is for a time, the dawn comes with a whole new look on life. We are different. We are closer to Him. And with that closeness comes the ability to hear.

I pray today for Jillian's surgery, and for the peace today to give way to the excitement and awe tomorrow of what this new life will bring. I pray the same for you.

In His Love,

2008-02-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

We went to Blue Springs yesterday and saw the Manatee. They are such amazing creatures. It is so neat to see how creative God is!

We still haven't heard anything about our little candidate. However, I will continue to wait on God and listen for His voice. His timing is perfect. His ways are perfect. That's all I need to know :)

Lots of love.

2008-01-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

Evynn found some 'Rhyan's Hope' business cards, and she asked Matt, "Is this Rhyan's Hope?" He told her it was and then she asked Rhyan, "Rhyan. Is this your Hope?"

So fun.

2008-01-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of sending out an update email. As usual, it's difficult to hit the 'send' button on a mass email. :)

I am working on the tax receipts and plan on having them in the mail this week for all of you that donated to Rhyan's Hope. And, as always, I thank you so much for all you've done.

I hope you all have a blessed evening.

In His love,
Courtney

2008-01-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

My Evynn's three years old. And still an angel... usually.

2008-01-08T16:33:00.000-08:00

In case you are going through a period where you need His peace…

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3

He always keeps His Word.

2008-01-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

My baby turned three-years-old yesterday. I have a very difficult time with change, so the last day of the year has a certain sadness to it. We celebrated Evynn’s birthday by singing and eating cake, but since her party isn’t until Saturday, even that was subdued.

We were driving home from the park and I remained quiet, lost in my thoughts of how my life with a baby had just ended forever. Rhyan and Evynn were in the backseat having a strong discussion on the right way to do something when Rhyan said, “Do you know what three-year-olds do? They listen to their sisters!!”

Thank you, Rhyan! Matt and I busted out laughing, and I said good-bye to my two-year-old with a smile. Hello to my three-year-old.

But just to let you know - she still isn’t listening to her sister.

May your 2008 be filled with smiles.

2007-12-27T08:21:00.000-08:00

On our way home from the gym today, Rhyan said, “Oh! I have to tell you something very important to tell you!’ Usually she’ll say something like, ‘Did you know that Adam and Eve were never born.’ Or ‘There was a boy that was nice to me at the Y today.’ I’m never sure what is 'very important' in her precious mind, so I always listen intently.

She said, “I saw Jesus by my bed last night.” I wasn’t quite prepared for that. She went on to say, “I asked Him if I could see His face, and He showed me.” I asked her what color His hair was. She said it didn’t have a color, but His eyes were brown like ours. I asked her how she felt when she saw Him and she said, “very, very, very, very excited!”

I’ll never know what she saw. I’ll never know if it was a dream or if her little heart is still innocent enough to see the Truth in its purest form. But I do know one thing for certain. She asked to see His face.

One of the greatest reasons God gives us the gift of children is not to teach them, but to learn from them. What I learned this morning from my child is, if we want to see Jesus, we simply need to ask.

2007-12-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

Telling secrets to Santa

2007-12-19T13:29:00.000-08:00

All she wants for Christmas...

2007-12-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

I asked Rhyan tonight what she would give Jesus for Christmas if she could give Him anything. She didn’t hesitate, and with a big toothless smile said, “Me.”

I smiled ‘all the way up to my eyes’ as she says, and told her that she is what He wants most of all. He wants Rhyan, He wants me, and He wants you. We are His beloved children.

Yesterday, Rhyan ran away from home. She was angry with me and I told her that I loved her and I didn’t want her to leave, but it was her decision. I underestimated my strong-willed child. The moment she got out of my sight, I went after her. The faster I went after her, the faster she ran. All I wanted to do was catch her. I think Jesus feels like that about His children when we run from Him. When we’re running away, all He wants to do is catch us.

As much as I love Jesus, as much as I love being His servant, and as much as I believe in Him, I find myself running away at times. Even very recently, I’ve found myself sprinting far from my Shelter.

So this Christmas my gift to Jesus will be me. I’ll, once again take my daughter’s lead, and stop running. And I’ll let Him catch me.

2007-12-18T04:44:00.000-08:00

I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I am. I’ve gotten letters and encouragement from strangers that I’ll probably never meet. I’ve reconnected to friends that I haven’t talked to since high school. And I’ve been reminded that I have an amazing group of loved ones that will always be by my side. It’s been quite an emotional ride these last few days and I don’t know how to thank anyone, really. I say ‘thank you’, but this is one of those things that ‘thank you’ doesn’t seem like enough. I am just continually grateful to have you in my life.

2007-12-16T15:17:00.000-08:00

Hey all! I just wanted you to know that we (meaning Matt) added an Amazon link to the Rhyan's Hope website. Amazon will donate 4% of any purchase to Rhyan's Hope, or 6% from all gift card purchases. If you're looking for any last minute Christmas gift ideas, here you go!! :)

2007-12-15T04:58:00.000-08:00

I saw this article this morning and I thought it was pretty neat. :)

2007-12-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

2007-12-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

I have been an underachiever with Mary Kay, Creative Memories, and anything else that involves asking people to spend their money. It’s just not in my nature to ask for things. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons that Rhyan’s Hope has been a little nerve-racking. I believe in the cause. I’ve seen the miracles. But, even asking for a dollar was difficult. It wasn’t until yesterday that I understood more clearly. Rhyan’s Hope isn’t just about raising money to provide cochlear implants. It’s about our story.

We had business cards printed up for Rhyan’s Hope, and I handed them out to people that I care about at the YMCA that weren’t on my email list. They are people that have known Rhyan as a baby, took care of her with her hearing aids, kept watch over her and made sure she was extremely careful while playing in the weeks following her surgeries. They are people I love. I handed my first card to one of the child watch workers, and she asked, “Do you want my money now?” I was so taken aback. I immediately said, “No, I just want you to read her story.”

Rhyan’s Hope is definitely about helping little ones get cochlear implants. It will take funds. But what I want more than anything is for every life to be changed by what they read, and what they see God accomplish. When I say that it’s about our story, it is. It’s about Rhyan, Matt, Evynn, me and our family. But it’s about you, too. This is your story now. Thank you so much for the part you’ve played.

We love you to pieces.

2007-12-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

Just a few days after my last post, we received a letter in the mail regarding our TIN. All I had to do was call the IRS and we had it over the phone. So, God didn't make us wait after all! He continues to amaze us in our walk through this.

I can't even describe how I felt when I hit the 'send' button today to tell our loved ones about Rhyan's Hope. I felt like everything that we had been through was somehow all worth it. God gave purpose to our devastation. I have to admit that I was putting stress on myself about it all, especially with our unveiling in the middle of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I keep listening for His still small voice to tell me that He's in control. That the good to come from Rhyan's Hope will be beyond my imagination. And I hear Him ever time I listen.

In the middle of writing this, I got our first online donation from my sister-in-law, Brittney. Shortly after, I got our second donation from a friend of someone in my email address. I cried. I really just sat here and cried. It was just the encouragment that I needed. He uses you all to speak to me of His love. If you are reading this right now, please know that I am just so unbelievably grateful for you!!

2007-11-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday we filed on-line for our non-profit inc. We have approximately 4 weeks until it is finalized, but we then apparently have to apply for our TIN and 501(c)(3) separately. This is so unbelievably new and crazy strange for me, so I'm learning minute by minute in most cases. I thought we were done and ready to go once we filed and received the confirmation of the incorporation. I was a bit disappointed to learn that we still had more to do before we could get started. But, I am determined to remain in God's will and I know without a doubt that His timing is perfect. If we have to wait, I choose to be faithful and patient. I am still in awe that He desires to use us in this way. I am humbled and excited and I want more than anything to make Him proud.

I emailed the hospital last week to obtain an exact dollar amount that we'll need for the surgery. I'm going to follow up with a phone call tomorrow. We are continuing to work on the website. I am also finished with our mass email going out to loved ones. That will be our first and most important email for our fund-raising.

God is working. I can see it, I know it and I can't wait to see where He takes us! He is so good.

2007-11-05T05:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Autumn!

2007-11-05T05:09:00.000-08:00

I met Andrea over the phone last week and just knew that God was in the middle of our conversation. I never felt so close to someone I’d never met before! I guess we have a lot in common. Andrea is Jillian’s mommy. Jillian is the 12 month old little princess we are going to fight for. I know this is going to work, I have no doubts. I am realizing, however, that it will take constant prayer and a great deal of patience.

Matt and I tried to incorporate online last week and were feeling that we should talk to a professional. After that became difficult, we have now decided to go it on our own and let God show us the way. We are going to do that tonight, so I can’t wait to let you know how things went! We also started the website and it’s turning out more amazing than I had envisioned.

I’ll keep you informed on how things are progressing. From what I understand, it will take 4 to 6 weeks to incorporate. That will give us time to complete the website and prepare our invitation letter to invite all of our loved ones to join us on this journey. And what a priceless journey it will be.

2007-10-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Zebra and the Little Stinker (aka Rhy & Ev)

It's been way too long, I am so sorry!!

So many amazing blessings have occurred since my last posting. We have had our ups and downs, but we continue to see His hand in every moment. School started and the first part of the year was an extreme adjustment. Rhyan learned to turn inward when she couldn't hear for that month after activation this summer, so when she started school and couldn't hear because of the background noise of all the children, she would do the same. It took a few weeks to teach her how to listen again. Once she re-learned how to focus, she has been excelling and we are so happy to have a her hearing in stereo! I've also seen improvement on her hearing of her new ear. We found out at a recent hearing screen that it can take up to a year for the neural pathways to develop where she's hearing at her best. That was very encouraging.

Aside from the residual chaos of our summer miracle, I believe we are beginning the next leg of our journey. We have decided to start a not for profit company, called Rhyan’s Hope, to help little ones receive Cochlear Implants if they are denied by insurance or have no insurance. When Matt and I started talking about it, I felt without a doubt, that God was telling me this is my purpose in life. Aside from being a wife, mommy and friend, my purpose in this world is to help children like Rhyan. Children that don’t have the chance that she did.

Immediately, I told God that I can’t do this. I didn’t know where to start, I don’t have the experience, I don’t have the abilities that one might need to fundraise. I told Him right from the start that I will be His servant, but He is in complete control. That very day, I went to the park with two good friends (moms of Rhyan’s friends). I told them our idea and one friend said she could help me start the corporation, the other friend is in charge of fundraising for her company and said she could help in that area. I was so filled with the Holy Spirit when I left that I thought my heart would explode.

At that point all we needed, aside from time to do these things, was a candidate. That was actually what I was most concerned about. We didn’t know where to go and because of Hippa laws, we can’t contact anyone specifically. I was concerned about having the child go through the expense of having extensive testing only to find out they weren’t a medical candidate for the implant. I knew God would show us the right child, but I had questions. Yesterday, we were in St. Pete for Rhyan’s mappings and Rhy’s audiologist said she thought she had the perfect child. Once she explained how the family’s insurance had an exclusion on Cochlear Implants, I knew we had our baby to fight for. I have felt so close to Jesus this week. We’re doing a bible study on the power of prayer, and I have witnessed so many miracles over the last few weeks, it’s undeniable that He is Lord.

So, this is a fight for us all. God is going to use us in a magnificent way to give a child the gift of hearing. We are given the chance to change a baby’s entire future. I can’t wait to begin. I only ask three things from my loved ones, and I will include this in a mass email sometime in the future. We plan on asking for $1, we ask that you pass the request for $1 to everyone in your address list, and we ask for prayer as you're hitting 'send'. I believe that with $1, God will let a baby hear for the very first time in her life. I believe it with all my heart.

2007-07-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

I saw her smile first through the eyepiece of the camera. I knew I had to capture the exact moment when she heard with both ears. We weren't quite sure what to expect based on her last reaction, so we prayed for the best and prepared for the worst. But, she smiled. And with that smile, in that instant, it was all worth it.

We watched her change before our eyes. Our Rhyan was back and all the words she didn't speak for all this time came pouring out (and haven't stopped yet). All day long yesterday I took notice of memories being made. I would see something happen and take it as a treasure to my heart. She took off one ear to adjust it and I watched as the realization sank in. She smiled and looked up at me and said, "I can still hear!" We went to a crowded restaurant and I leaned over to tell her something. It occurred to me that I didn't have to turn her around to talk to her.

We had every intention of making it a special day for Rhyan and wanted to spend the whole day alone with her, but all she wanted was to get back to Nanny and Paw Paw and Evynn. She was missing Evy so much and I could see a love growing between sisters that will be the longest bond of their lives. When they saw each other they hugged and I watched them play in silence. Rhyan leaned close to Evynn and said, "Look, I have two ears now. It's very exciting."

Once the girls were tucked into bed, I prayed with Matt and tried to thank Jesus for what He had done. It was so difficult to say the words without breaking down, because I don't really know how to thank Him. But, I said the first of a lifetime of 'thank yous' for her two ears and we praised Him for our promise come true.

This morning, Rhyan hurriedly put on both processors. I told her I loved her, once in each ear. She hugged me tight and told me she loved me all the way to heaven and back. What more could a Mama want.

Last night while talking alone with my Jesus, I envisioned turning around and looking at this path that spans back over months and years. The path is straight, but along the way I see obstacles of fear and despair constructed with my own two hands. Then I see where my Comforter stooped down gently, quietly, and pushed them away. I see where I walked dangerously close to the edge, threatening to forge my own way, not realizing until now the cliff I narrowly avoided. And I see where He took my hand and led me lovingly back to the Center. I see where I was on my knees, weeping. Now I hear when His cries echoed mine. When I felt completely dry, I see where His tears rained down on me. Where I thought there was silence, I can hear Angels singing. Where I thought it was the darkest, I now see the most brilliant Light. And all the while, Rhyan remained cradled in His arms.

Today, I envision turning around, beginning to take the footsteps on the new leg of our journey. Our backs are straight and our hearts are strong as we cling to the robe of the Healer. With Rhyan still cradled in His arms. It's been a painfully beautiful journey. Thank you for coming along.

We love you so,The Bakers

2007-07-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

We are nearing the end of our journey and I can't describe what I'm feeling. Overwhelmed, overjoyed, just plain over. I've told several loved ones that this has been harder than anything we've been through to date. It has been sad, frustrating, lonely, emotionally torturous, and gut-wrenching.

And then... Monday, I told Rhyan I loved her without her looking at my mouth to read my lips and she said immediately, "I love you, too". It was a turning point that I desperately needed. It has just been over the last few days that she's been responding more and more and I feel so comforted.

This coming Monday, she'll get her old ear back and have the old and new ears 'synchronized' She will hear with both ears for the first time in her life. I heard this song today and I feel like I've had a chance to catch my breath. I have felt these words sometimes every second of every day over the last month. But He has given us the promise of a lifetime. So, in case you've ever felt the same. Remember His promises.

* Kutless - Promise of a Lifetime *

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted

2007-07-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Vacation Bible School had proven to be pretty difficult for Rhyan. Yesterday, she just couldn't handle the noise. Today she went in with Evynn and did great. There were only two other little ones in there with two teachers. She was a helper and she was able to concentrate and focus.

I've noticed since yesterday afternoon that she is responding quite a bit to things that are being said where she can't see the person's face. Whether it's Matt reading a book with her by his side, or if I'm in the kitchen answering a question to her on the couch. I've been very excited to see the strides she's made so quickly. It gives me so much hope for the coming days. We have less than two weeks before she has both ears turned on. I'm just excited for her to have her old ear back. The thought that things will not only return to her normal, but be even better, feels like a huge reward for all that we've been through the last few weeks.

2007-07-05T18:13:00.001-07:00

Rhyan responded to my voice today more than she had since turning on her ear. She really heard me. She knew her name, but she still had a difficult time understanding what I was saying. I'll take her turning to my name. It was a very special gift.

2007-07-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

Rhyan at the 4th of July parade.

I'm finding it hard to blog about this process. Not much has changed and it continues to bring my spirits down. We went to Jacksonville yesterday and spent the 4th of July today with my sister and her family. We had fun at the parade, but I couldn't help noticing how Rhyan seemed lost and distant. My 5 year old nephew said, 'I want Rhyan to not have her ears so she can hear me'. I know how he feels.

She was up to Program 4, level 10 today. I am very grateful at her progress with her levels. And she did respond to me a few times, and that makes me happy in those moments. I'm simply expecting too much. I realize that. But it would be much worse to not expect enough.

2007-06-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Rhyan took her Program up to 4, Level 15. That is very encouraging. She was still not responding to my voice and seemed increasingly frustrated as the day wore on. I know she's tired, which might be attributing to her outbursts. I can't wait until I can write that we have reached our goal. I know we will.

2007-06-28T04:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday remained difficult and this morning is not proving to be much better. I've realized just now that I haven't concentrated my prayers on her understanding. I haven't been able to get into an in-depth quiet time at all. I miss Him so much. I'm sure that's a big part of my frustration. So, with that, I will make sure I find the time to focus my prayers and talk with my Father.

She did end on Program 4, Level 7 last night. That was exciting. This morning we haven't adjusted it at all, so that's where she started. We remain grateful and expectant.

2007-06-26T18:19:00.001-07:00

We spent the day at Sea World, hoping that the amazement and wonder of all of Rhy Rhy's favorite creatures would somehow open her up a little bit. During the dolphin show, I watched her eyes light up, but that's all we got all day. I don't remember her saying one word.

I've noticed that I treat her like she doesn't have her ear on at all. I continue to sign and mouth my words instead of speaking. I constantly have to remind myself to fold my hands and use my voice. She still isn't responding to my voice like she did Saturday night, however she was up to Program 4, Level 0 before bed. That was exciting, because she has been pretty defiant about the increases.

I continue to wait for this all to just 'click'. I know it will, but it remains frustrating and heart-breaking. I am so grateful for God's perfect timing in all this. We were so upset about the insurance fiasco and how long everything took, but if we would have tried to do this during the school year, it would have been disastrous. It really couldn't have been better timing. I'm so happy that He's the One making the decisions.

2007-06-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

This morning started out less challenging, but Rhyan lost her drive to improve as the day wore on. We started her out at Program 3, Level 0 and by the end of the day, she had only increased to Program 3, Level 4. That is where we ended last night.

I am grateful that she mainly seems content and happy without the ability to understand what is being said. She seems happier to go into the child watch at the gym and is content to watch television without understanding what the characters are saying. But it is so frustrating to me as her mommy that she doesn't hear my voice. She responded last night at the same level and for whatever reason, didn't respond tonight. I want my sweet, funny, silly girl back.

I'm keeping the goal in sight. I realize that the end result will make this all worth it. But I just really miss my baby.

2007-06-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

It is day 3 and we are continuing on. This morning was very challenging, but we ended the day on a fun and happy note.

When Rhyan woke up this morning, she refused to put on her new ear unless the volume was down to zero. We have four programs which progressively get 'louder'. Within the programs there are 20 levels, going to level 12 is what is recommended. This morning we started out on Program 2, Level 0. She still wasn't responding to my voice and at church, she was relying on reading lips.

Right now, nearing bedtime, she is on Program 3, Level 4 and we are so thrilled. Just a few minutes ago, she responded to my voice for the first time with her new ear. I don't know how to explain my feelings about that. I grabbed her and held her tight, and simply relaxed into the precious, precious glimmers of hope. Once again, at the close of the day, we are so very grateful. And once again, I praise my Jesus.

2007-06-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today was Rhyan's second day with her new ear. We let her wear her old ear this morning. We celebrated her 6th birthday and we just couldn't force her to be without sound on her special day. We told her that after her party we would have to put her old ear away for a few weeks. She took it off on her own and she hasn't asked for it back.

She is continuing to turn up the sound pretty quickly and is very excited when she realizes that she's hearing better. She has said several times, 'I heard you and you sound like you.' or 'I sound like myself.' Her excitement is so contagious.

She still has a lot of difficulty hearing things. I can say her name repeatedly while standing right next to her and she won't respond. But if she is focused on what we're doing, as with her flash cards, she is getting about half of the words correct.

Jesus continues to give me glimmers of light on this path. When I start feeling sad that she doesn't know my voice, she'll start singing and smile at the sound of her own. Our first official day of this new leg of our journey was, all in all, pretty good. She isn't hearing us very well, but she is happy. And I'm so very grateful.

2007-06-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I'm too tired to make much sense, but basically, today was quite the mixed bag of emotions. We were told that this wasn't going to be easy. We were prepared for 'not easy'. However, we were in no way prepared for the kicking, screaming, and flailing that accompanied 'not easy'. The fear and confusion were too much for Rhyan this morning and things progressively went from really bad to a whole lot worse.

There was no way we were going to be able to force Rhyan to wear her new ear while it was turned on, so we left the office with her ear on her head, but turned off. Our way of giving in without giving in. Oh, to be the parent of a strong-willed child. On the way home, she fell asleep and all I could think of was that I thought the hard part was over with the surgery. This was, in a way, so much worse. I guess because I know that the difficulty could last for a couple weeks. I cried and prayed and got some prayer reinforcements and by the time we arrived to Sanford, Rhyan had her new ear in her hand and was willing to put it on as long as we didn't make any noise. I cried again and listened to her sing her ABC's for the first time with a whole new sound. She seemed amazed by what she was hearing and started taking normal sounds and listening to them all over again for the first time. Paper rustling, fingers snapping, silly songs. We were in the middle of watching a miracle unfold.

Once we were home, we could see her relax and she took off. She was running up to toys and familiar things with familiar sounds and, once again, hearing them all for the first time. We could see it in her eyes that she was beginning to understand. We are not done with 'not easy'. She was excited to turn up the volume on her new processor by 5 segments, but she still can't understand anything we're saying. The analogy we were given is it's like someone putting ear phones on us and forcing us to listen to a foreign language. It's confusing and frustrating and I wish I could put myself in her place for even a little bit to feel this with her.

We said our prayers tonight in sign language and simply said 'Thank You, Jesus.' Through it all, that's where we come full circle. This is one of the hardest things we've ever been through and Thank You, Jesus, with all our hearts.

As always, we felt your prayers today, and we love you.

Courtney & Matt

2007-06-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

Well! It's been two weeks now since surgery. Almost immediately, we traded the red bandage from the hospital for surgical bandages because the red bandage came off every two hours during the night. I was already exhausted from lack of sleep the night of surgery and I desperately needed a good nights rest. The surgical bandages stayed on all night and were really a blessing.

However, sometime last week Rhyan started giving us difficulty when going to bed. Matt and I were brainstorming when he brought up that maybe she was afraid that the bandages were a permanent part of life and it was really frustrating her. The next day I told her that she only had 5 days left of bandages and that she'd also be able to wash her hair in 5 days. She was so excited and our count down began.

Yesterday (a day early) we washed her hair and she was in heaven. All day long she talked about how she was going to have clean hair and she repeatedly demonstrated how we could wash it without getting her incision wet. So, bath time was pretty fun last night!

Things seem to be pretty much back to normal for right now (as normal as they can be during the summer, anyway!) We are now looking forward to Friday, June 22nd, when her new ear will be 'turned on'. Then normalcy will cease once again for about a month. She will have to learn to hear from her left ear without aid from the right, and we are praying that things will go easier than what we've been told.

Either way, we will continue on toward our goal for the end of July. My baby will have two ears. I still can hardly believe it.

2007-06-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

Two days after surgery - A much happier picture :)

2007-06-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

>From the mouth of Rhyan:

Midnight after surgery "I cannot be up this late or I'll be SNOTTY!"

Noon the following day "Those nurses kept waking me up and now I'm nasty."

Boy, that girl knows herself! I would love to say that she's the graceful little patient, but it just isn't so. Other than the giant-sized attitude and some pain, things couldn't have gone better.

It seemed that she knew what was going on beforehand. She quietly watched TV and didn't want to play. I don't think she said more than a few words until it was time to be wheeled away into surgery. We gave her hugs and she didn't even look back. Just like her first surgery, peace was with us all throughout. She went in around 3:00 and we were updated at about 4:00 that things were progressing well. About 40 minutes later, Dr. Orobello came in and said everything went perfectly. We hadn't spoken to Dr. Orobello since her first surgery, so I was able to tell him a little bit about her progress in school and tried to express that he was used in the most significant way to change the course of her life. But, how do you tell someone that in just a few minutes.

Right before Dr. Orobello came in, we prayed that there wouldn't be any staples and that Matt would be able to stay the night in the room with us. Last time one of the most difficult things was having the staples removed (13 in all, we think). And staying alone with Rhyan in the hospital room was so very lonely. When Dr. Orobello told us that he was able to use derma-bond and there was nothing needing to be removed, I knew that prayers can be answered almost instantaneously. Sometimes I feel like if I don't pray about something for days or weeks, the prayer won't be answered. That most definitely turned out to be wrong! Not only will she not have to go through the fear and pain of having staples removed, we don't have to go for our follow up appointment until her implant is turned on, meaning that we were just saved 5 hours in the car and a full day off from work for Matt. He continues to answers our prayers beyond our expectations.

We were able to go back to recovery with her and it came back to me so vividly how it felt to see her with her first implant time. Shocking. This time was definitely better. She wasn't so tiny or so swollen, but it still took my breath away. She had been dry heaving coming out of the anesthesia, so we were kept in recovery for quite a while. Once she was taken to her room, I was overjoyed to find that we had a private room. Matt was going to be able to stay.

Throughout the night was a typical stay in the hospital. Awakened every couple hours for stats and meds. She was able to sleep through a couple interruptions and she was given only two rounds of morphine before being switched to Tylenol with codeine. With her last surgery, I believe I only slept for either 1/2 hour or one hour. Either way, it was so difficult. This time we were able to sleep once for a two hour stretch and once for a three hour stretch. It was more than I expected.

On our way home, she slept nearly the entire way. Even as I'm writing this I have to continue to remind myself that the hard part is over. It's only good stuff from now on. She awoke at midnight last night completely lucid after her negative reaction yesterday to the Tylenol with codeine and she didn't need pain medication until this morning. We gave her Tylenol without codeine this time. We can't figure out why codeine would have affected her last night but not after surgery and we don't have an explanation other than we had the generic version. Codeine will not be used again, though, no matter the answer. Right at this moment I'm listening to Rhyan and Evynn playing with their dolls together and my heart is full.

The novel of Rhyan's life will be one of faith, love, hope, adventure, trials overcome and the Truth told. May 29th was the beginning of the next beautiful chapter in her life. Thank you so much for being a part of penning that most blessed page.

In His love,Courtney

2007-05-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've posted. It's been a crazy, crazy time here. May 29th is approaching so quickly, I almost haven't had time to think about it. I find that to truly be a blessing.

Today we bravely took Evynn with us to St. Pete for Rhyan's CT scan. We usually try our hardest to leave her with her Nanny and Paw Paw, mainly due to her two-ness, but we actually had such a precious time. I felt God's presence with me the whole day. The peace that seems to follow me was ever present.

The last CT scan Rhyan had was immediately before her first surgery when she was 18 months. She screamed the entire time and I was a sobbing mess. This time I was able to practice with her beforehand and she was fully prepared. While her head was leaning back in the tube, I could see glimpses of fear come over her but then I'd make a silly face or dance like a loon and we'd move on. I know it had to be uncomfortable and frightening for her, but she did so amazingly well. The entire process took only 15 minutes. It was such a phenomenal blessing to us that everything went so perfectly.

We had fully intended on taking them to Disney following the trip, but our little homebody just wanted normalcy. I'm sure that was the best thing since next week will be anything but normal. All in all, what I had been dreading to be a very difficult and emotionally draining trip, God turned around and made a beautiful memory. And that's just like Him.

2007-05-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday after our talk with Rhyan, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried in Wal-mart, I cried in yoga class, I cried on the phone. I was simply sad. After going to the restroom to ensure no one saw me, I cried in a stall at the gym. I said in my heart, “God, my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs You now.” The song filled my mind and brought more tears.

When Jesus heard that Lazurus had died, He wept and His spirit groaned. He knew that He would raise Lazurus from the dead, but He was still heart-broken for His beloved Mary and Martha. While I know that our situation is nothing close to the pain of losing a loved one, I believe that in our sorrow His spirit groans for us. I surrendered to Him in that moment, and several moments since then. After talking to my sister and other loved ones, I have come to realize that I’m allowed to be sad. We all are at one time or another. It doesn’t mean that we've lost our faith, or even our hope.

Right now, I’m just sad for my child, as my Father is sad for His. And as I held Rhyan close as she cried Tuesday night, Jesus is holding me now.

I Will Lift My Eyes
Written by Bebo Norman and Jason Ingram

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to theMaker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

Amen.

2007-05-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

It had already been a particularly difficult evening. Matt and I were putting Rhyan to bed and our routine usually includes reading a book, telling a story, praying and then we stay for 5 minutes before giving hugs and saying 'good-night'. We were laying next to her in silence for our last 5 minutes when she asked the question I continually prepare myself to answer – “Why can’t I hear?”

I was really caught off-guard. We talk about her ears and her new ear so often that I was assuming that the question would come up during one of those conversations. For a moment I didn’t remember the answer. She said, ‘Because Jesus made me this way?’ Her ears were off, so I nodded and kissed her cheek. She started crying and asked, ‘But why?’

I put her ears back on and I told her with all the truth in me, that Jesus chose her. I told her that she is special and He chose her to tell the world about how amazing He is. When she was born she couldn’t hear and now she can. She is a miracle. I held her and kissed her and hoped that she wouldn't feel my tears hit her face.

God spared me my water shed until now as I’m writing this. She’s never seen me cry about her ears. I guess I’m not really crying about her deafness now. I’m crying because she’s so innocent. She’s so precious, and if she thinks for one moment that she can’t hear because of something she’s done, then my heart is crushed. Her daddy’s heart is crushed.

With every ounce of honesty, I can say that I would not change a single thing about that child. I believe what I told her with all of my being. She is special. She is a miracle. And she was chosen to tell the world about how amazing her God is. Until she is old enough to tell her story, I will take the torch and tell her story for her, even if the flame scorches me every once in a while. But I know even now as I’m writing this that when I hand that torch over, it will burn even brighter. And the world will see His light.

2007-05-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update. We found out on Friday that Rhyan will have to have a CAT scan prior to surgery. We were hoping to avoid this, but while the cochlea doesn't change over time, the skull size does. The doctor needs to know exact measurements for placement.

I completely understand why this needs to be done, but it's definitely not something I'm looking forward to. The last CAT scan Rhy had, they didn't sedate her. While it was painless, she was scared and screaming for nearly 1/2 hour. And I was a sobbing disaster by the end of it all! I realize that this time will be very different if for no other reason than she's older and I can explain things to her ahead of time. I just don't like the thought of her having to go through anything more. It breaks my heart to think of her in pain or fear. However, as we know by now, that's when she'll grow in strength and faith. All for His glory.

3 weeks and counting :)

2007-05-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

"May 1st! I get my new ear in May!" Those were Rhyan's first words this morning. I'm so grateful that she's so excited. We haven't spoken much about the actual implantation. We aren't planning on going into details with her about the surgery until the day before, or even the morning of the procedure. I did have to explain to her this morning that she will get her new ear at the end of the month, but she won't be able to hear until June 22nd. She received that news much better than I was expecting. I'm not sure if she fully understands the concept, but I'm praying that it won't be too difficult, especially since she'll still have her right ear to be able to hear. Instead of disapointment, I'm hoping for anticipation.

I remember with her first implant, we were so stressed about the actual surgery and the fear and irritations of everything involved. When we were leaving the hospital after the surgery, I was so elated. (Exhausted and crabby, but elated!) The hard part was over and all we had left was the good stuff. I wonder if that will happen again.

So, May 1st. What a beautiful month. I was praying about it all this morning and the difficulties that can follow the surgery and turning on the new ear. All I felt was peace. Someone once said that the 'light unto our path' doesn't shine too far ahead. We take one step at a time down the road He chooses for us. We might not know what lies ahead, but we know the path is straight.

In His love.

2007-04-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

Evynn at the beach last week.