It's been so long since I've posted. It's been a crazy, crazy time here. May 29th is approaching so quickly, I almost haven't had time to think about it. I find that to truly be a blessing.

Today we bravely took Evynn with us to St. Pete for Rhyan's CT scan. We usually try our hardest to leave her with her Nanny and Paw Paw, mainly due to her two-ness, but we actually had such a precious time. I felt God's presence with me the whole day. The peace that seems to follow me was ever present.

The last CT scan Rhyan had was immediately before her first surgery when she was 18 months. She screamed the entire time and I was a sobbing mess. This time I was able to practice with her beforehand and she was fully prepared. While her head was leaning back in the tube, I could see glimpses of fear come over her but then I'd make a silly face or dance like a loon and we'd move on. I know it had to be uncomfortable and frightening for her, but she did so amazingly well. The entire process took only 15 minutes. It was such a phenomenal blessing to us that everything went so perfectly.

We had fully intended on taking them to Disney following the trip, but our little homebody just wanted normalcy. I'm sure that was the best thing since next week will be anything but normal. All in all, what I had been dreading to be a very difficult and emotionally draining trip, God turned around and made a beautiful memory. And that's just like Him.

On Wednesday after our talk with Rhyan, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried in Wal-mart, I cried in yoga class, I cried on the phone. I was simply sad. After going to the restroom to ensure no one saw me, I cried in a stall at the gym. I said in my heart, “God, my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs You now.” The song filled my mind and brought more tears.

When Jesus heard that Lazurus had died, He wept and His spirit groaned. He knew that He would raise Lazurus from the dead, but He was still heart-broken for His beloved Mary and Martha. While I know that our situation is nothing close to the pain of losing a loved one, I believe that in our sorrow His spirit groans for us. I surrendered to Him in that moment, and several moments since then. After talking to my sister and other loved ones, I have come to realize that I’m allowed to be sad. We all are at one time or another. It doesn’t mean that we've lost our faith, or even our hope.

Right now, I’m just sad for my child, as my Father is sad for His. And as I held Rhyan close as she cried Tuesday night, Jesus is holding me now.

I Will Lift My Eyes
Written by Bebo Norman and Jason Ingram

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to theMaker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

Amen.

It had already been a particularly difficult evening. Matt and I were putting Rhyan to bed and our routine usually includes reading a book, telling a story, praying and then we stay for 5 minutes before giving hugs and saying 'good-night'. We were laying next to her in silence for our last 5 minutes when she asked the question I continually prepare myself to answer – “Why can’t I hear?”

I was really caught off-guard. We talk about her ears and her new ear so often that I was assuming that the question would come up during one of those conversations. For a moment I didn’t remember the answer. She said, ‘Because Jesus made me this way?’ Her ears were off, so I nodded and kissed her cheek. She started crying and asked, ‘But why?’

I put her ears back on and I told her with all the truth in me, that Jesus chose her. I told her that she is special and He chose her to tell the world about how amazing He is. When she was born she couldn’t hear and now she can. She is a miracle. I held her and kissed her and hoped that she wouldn't feel my tears hit her face.

God spared me my water shed until now as I’m writing this. She’s never seen me cry about her ears. I guess I’m not really crying about her deafness now. I’m crying because she’s so innocent. She’s so precious, and if she thinks for one moment that she can’t hear because of something she’s done, then my heart is crushed. Her daddy’s heart is crushed.

With every ounce of honesty, I can say that I would not change a single thing about that child. I believe what I told her with all of my being. She is special. She is a miracle. And she was chosen to tell the world about how amazing her God is. Until she is old enough to tell her story, I will take the torch and tell her story for her, even if the flame scorches me every once in a while. But I know even now as I’m writing this that when I hand that torch over, it will burn even brighter. And the world will see His light.

Just a quick update. We found out on Friday that Rhyan will have to have a CAT scan prior to surgery. We were hoping to avoid this, but while the cochlea doesn't change over time, the skull size does. The doctor needs to know exact measurements for placement.

I completely understand why this needs to be done, but it's definitely not something I'm looking forward to. The last CAT scan Rhy had, they didn't sedate her. While it was painless, she was scared and screaming for nearly 1/2 hour. And I was a sobbing disaster by the end of it all! I realize that this time will be very different if for no other reason than she's older and I can explain things to her ahead of time. I just don't like the thought of her having to go through anything more. It breaks my heart to think of her in pain or fear. However, as we know by now, that's when she'll grow in strength and faith. All for His glory.

3 weeks and counting :)

"May 1st! I get my new ear in May!" Those were Rhyan's first words this morning. I'm so grateful that she's so excited. We haven't spoken much about the actual implantation. We aren't planning on going into details with her about the surgery until the day before, or even the morning of the procedure. I did have to explain to her this morning that she will get her new ear at the end of the month, but she won't be able to hear until June 22nd. She received that news much better than I was expecting. I'm not sure if she fully understands the concept, but I'm praying that it won't be too difficult, especially since she'll still have her right ear to be able to hear. Instead of disapointment, I'm hoping for anticipation.

I remember with her first implant, we were so stressed about the actual surgery and the fear and irritations of everything involved. When we were leaving the hospital after the surgery, I was so elated. (Exhausted and crabby, but elated!) The hard part was over and all we had left was the good stuff. I wonder if that will happen again.

So, May 1st. What a beautiful month. I was praying about it all this morning and the difficulties that can follow the surgery and turning on the new ear. All I felt was peace. Someone once said that the 'light unto our path' doesn't shine too far ahead. We take one step at a time down the road He chooses for us. We might not know what lies ahead, but we know the path is straight.

In His love.